Wolfe....Party of Five

I quit my job!!!

2012-01-18T18:12:00.002-05:00

I am so relieved. I quit my job Monday morning and feel FREE!!!

It was no secret that I did not like my job but hey, it was an income right?? So I have wanted to quit for awhile now, but money wise...it was a no go.

On Saturday, we took the boys to a movie and on the way home they start talking about how cool it would be if I would stay home and that kind of talk. To be honest, it broke my heart.

So Sunday night, I go to a friends house. I spill my heart out to her about life and that includes my job situation. I get home around 10ish, kids are in bed, hubby is waiting up for me. We watch some TV and he drifts to sleep.

About 1am, I find my self shaking him awake. We needed to talk. We needed to pray. We needed to go over budgets. We sat there till 3am, going over and over and over the budget with all kinds of different scenarios, we prayed and we talked.

(side note: we have not had a "normal" conversation in weeks, so this was a blessing in it self)

About 3:05am is was decided that I would quit my job. And yes, I do know that right now job market wise is not a good time to quit, but it was a good time to quit for my family.

And trust me, we have a plan B, a plan C, a plan D and so on. We know life is going to be tight till I start getting an income again. We are prepared for that.

So I have to say...goodbye Target...goodbye Starbucks......goodbye brand name food......goodbye yummy restaurants...till we meet again AND I am positive I will meet you all again in the near future.

But for right now I am going to focus on my family, my home, my God and my friends.

The Things That Can Happen In ONE Week

2012-01-09T19:41:00.002-05:00

Seriously....what else can go wrong this week????

1. I got super sick, had to miss two days of work and because I am just a temp right now I spent those 2 days worrying about still having a job when I should of been worried about my flippin BLEEDING STOMACH ULCER!!

2. Money, money, money...it's always about money isn't it. We are on a pretty tight budget, so going to the doctor and paying for prescriptions were not in the budget...That's $40.00 bucks right there and guess what...that was my whole food budget for the week....guess who is not going to have cereal, milk, kids lunches, stuff for our lunches, dinners and snacks??? This girl....well, this family to be excat. And yes, I really do feed a family of 5 all of the above for around $40.00 a week, sometimes a little more and sometimes a little less. It just takes some careful planning. So I am freakin out a little bit here.....oh well, I am just going to pray about it and put it in God's hands now. We have NEVER gone hungry before and I know my God will not let us go hungry again. And we have been way poorer then this before.

3. Me and the hubby are really liking this whole fighting / bickering thing lately. We are like a couple of 5 year olds...seriously....I will give you just one example.....so he had some clean clothes sitting on his dresser. His TOP dresser drawer was open where said clothes are to go. He shuts his drawer and does not put the clothes in. So I ask him "honey, why did you close the drawer before you put the clothes away?" and he says something like "oh, I thought you had them here for something else" and BOOM...a fight has started...really??? really??? Why would I just set the clothes there and why would you not put them away??? REALLY??? So yes, we have become 5 year olds who bicker about everything. It's awesome....just how I wanted to ring in the New Year. And yes, I do take some of the blame...I am not dumb....fighting and bickering takes 2 people and I am one of those people.

4. Job and Money....being so close to losing my job has made us sit down and look at our budget. WOW....I can't even begin to tell you how much fun that is!!! I could do some jumping jacks or something but I won't because one of my boobs may hit me in the head and that would hurt and might require some ER visit and that would cost money and THEN it would be two weeks with no food in the home. WOOHOO!!! Can you feel the excitement???? And by the way...if I did lose my job, we would be sooooooooo screwed....

5. I am just doing crappy. Crappy. Crappy. Crappy. Everything is driving me nuts lately, the house, the kids, the hubby, the stupid car, the white trash lawn, ummmm pretty much everything.

And there you go folks....A lovely start to a new lovely year. Who knows, maybe all the CRAPPY stuff is getting out of the way now to make for an awesome year.

But seriously, I am not just sitting here complaining and whining. I am also praying ALL THE TIME. I know prayer works, I have been privledged to some answered prayers that no man could do for me and my family. So I am going to keep praying till we get answers. It's all in God's time....not mine.

PS. I am going to add a number 6. My physical pain. So with this whole ulcer thing, I cannot take pretty much NO pain meds. So I am sitting here withering in back pain and I can take NOTHING. if you were to video me now, you would see me move into like 800 different positions all while trying to hang to the laptop to write this blog....pretty funny stuff and also adding this to my prayers.....

Till next time loves........

2011 - My Year in Review....(also my 100 post!!!)

2011-12-31T14:01:00.015-05:00

This year has had it's share of up and downs. Just going to briefly recap my year from month to month.....and here we go!!!

January 2011 - I never did like January very much...too much holiday let down. The coolest and best thing that happened this month is that I was baptized on January 30th. It was the most AMAZING expierence. On the flip side of that, we invited my family, Matthew's family and some of our closest friends, I was a little disappointed when only Matthew's family showed and non of my friends or my family. I was just happiest having Matt and my kids there to witness it.

February 2011 -BORING month.....not much going on at all....oh wait.....just remembered....this is the month I booked our trips to Las Vegas and Florida!!! Made my month!!!! Also got my new lap top this month......oh yeah, forgot another important detail.....this also the month I was fired from my job for doing something stupid. And NO, it wasn't bad at all but I did break company policy and I had to suffer the consequences. Very bad couple weeks. Oh, and I got fired after I booked the non refundable trips to Las Vegas and Florida....so that was awesome. Well, I guess my February was not that boring!!!

March 2011 - Favorite month of this WHOLE YEAR!!! After almost 6 years, we were finally able to take a honeymoon to the most wonderful place on earth...LAS VEGAS!!! I cannot even begin to tell you what a GREAT time we had. We ate wonderful food, saw amazing shows, won some money on the penny slots, a ton of walking and sight seeing, ordering champagne to our room and just enjoying each other WITH NO KIDS!!!! I cannot wait to go back.....now we just got to find someone to watch the kids again...hahahhaha...yeah right.

And then my second trip. I took Landon to Florida to visit my brother and his family for 4 whole days!!! Taking my son on his first plane ride was awesome. (I take one kid to FL every other year so it gives me time with each kid and I get to spend time with my family in FL.) I LOVED spending time with my bro, Gary, and my sis in law, Meagan and my niece and nephew, Melody and little Gary. And I loved the alone time with my boy, Landon.

The ONLY thing I would of changed about all these trips is the timing. We left for Veags on a Saturday night, came home on Wednesday night, left for Florida early Thursday morning and got home late Monday night. If this was all in the same time zone, I think it might of been ok, but Vegas is a 3 hour diffrence and it was a little much for me to handle.

April 2011 -BABY GIRL TURNED 9 YEARS OLD!!!!! I cannot believe it...just yesterday she was born and I was holding her on my chest. She had a great party here at home!!! And of course we cannot forget Easter...we had a wonderful Easter celebrating our Savior, Jesus Christ. Oh, and I can't forget, I started a new job this month (thank GOD I was able to find something VERY quick)!!!

May 2011 - This month my hubby and I celebrated our 6th anniversary. Offically my longest marriage EVER!!! Haha...that was supposed to be funny.....oh well. Since we went to Vegas for our anniversary, we had a low key celebration......we went to dinner at a steak house - with the kids of course. It was so low key...that NO ONE called, texted, emailed, smoke signaled...NOTHING...to say a simple "Happy Anniversary". Man....that kinda stung. But I got over it and life moved on. I know that I will continue to wish my family and close friends a "Happy Anniversary" on their special day. Now, on the flip side of that, I forgot to call my BFF on her birthday. I know, I know...big hypocrite.....but here's the thing.......the weekend before her birthday she had a girly sleepover where we celebrated her bday. We did games, presents and cake...the whole 9 yards. So when the day of her birthday came, I kind of just forgot because we had already celebrated for her on another day. Man, I felt like crap...I still feel bad about it and it happened in flippin May. I know she is over it. We talked about it and moved on, but it still haunts me, just can't shake it.

And not the bad side of May. This May 18th marked the 10 year anniversary of my grandfather's passing. I still miss him like it was yesterday. I still think about him EVERYDAY. I wish he was here, to see my kids, to see me....to see my life. I miss that man dearly.

Also, May 15th marks the one year anniversary of my dad's passing. Although I wasn't too close to him, I am still sad. I am sad for the things that I will never know and never have. I am thankful for the last rea conversation my dad and I had. He was describing to me about when he met my mother and memories from way back. I feel like I got to know a side of him I have never seen before.

June 2011 - oh happy JUNE!! The weather is nice, trees and flowers are blooming and my brother, Gary and his family have arrived in town to visit!! We hosted a picnic for my family. It was nice to have me, my sister, my brother and my mom all back in one room again (actually it was one "yard" again). Emma was not able to be there because she was hitting the road with her Grandma Pam for a family reunion. Sidebar: This year I have come to realize that even if Emma is not with me and my family, she is with FAMILY. And that is all that matters. I have stopped being greedy and I understand Emma needs time with all members of HER family. thatisall

July 2011 - To kick off the month of July we hosted a 4th of July BBQ....so much fun that I forgot to take ALL the buns out of the freezer...hahahhahaha....dinner was delayed just a little while. This month we just enjoyed the nice summer weather with bike riding, swimming and hanging out with our friends.

August 2011 - FOOTBALL!!! August starts the football season for us. Emma started cheerleading again and Landon was in his first year of flag football. Very exciting and tiring all at the same time. We also celebrated my birthday...the big 31!!! It was low key and I received some awesome handmade cards from my kids. For my birthday weekend (yes, I actually get a whole week!!) we took the kids to Idlewild in PA. It was touch and go with the rain for awhile but ended up being FANTASTIC.

September 2011 - SCHOOLS IN!! Emma started 4th grade, Landon started Kindergarten and Chase entered his last year of preschool. It was bittersweet with the boys....This is the last year I will ever pay for preschool!!

October 2011 - This was a special month for me. I attended the Women of Faith confrence in Pittsburgh, PA October 7 and 8th. I spent 2 days filled with the love of our God and I got to share it with some pretty amazing people who mean so much to me.

November 2011 - BIRTHDAY MONTH!!! Chase turned 5 on November 6th and Landon turned 6 on November 29th. We have a HUGE combined party at our local bowling alley for about 30 of our friends and family. It was a big hit and the LOVED every single minute of it. And of course we cannot forget Thanksgiving. We spent the day running around from one family to another and I really wouldn't have it any other way. I took some great photos of my mother, grandma and my Emma. And to top off Thanksgiving, my bestie, Tara, and I had a marathon shopping trip for Black Friday. We started at 830pm on Thanksgiving and kept going till 8am Friday morning. At that point, I had to drop off something to my ex mother in law. I ended up staying about 2 1/2 hours spending time with her and talking. I was able to say alot of things to her that I have been holding in for so long. She now knows what a big influence she was on me and how much I love her and my ex father in law.

December 2011 - Oh sweet December...how I have waited for so long for you. This December was a magical month. All the decorating, cookie making, Santa trips and spending time with our family, some by blood, others by heart. The most amazing thing about this month was NONE of my kids were in any way sick for Christmas or New Years Eve!!! This has been the first time in 5 long years that NO ONE was sick.

I ended this year feeling incredibly blessed with all the things and people I have in my life. We have the most amazing church family who is there for us and supports us 100%. We are all in good health and both have good jobs. We have a beautiful home to live in (which I called my landlord yesterday and thanked her for allowing us to live in her home).

This year I have made some resolutions, some I will share and some are just for my self.

This year I will cook more....less eating out.

This year we will do something fun once a month.

This year I will blog at least every two weeks, if not more.

This year I will manage my money even better then we did last year. At the end of 2012, we will have at least $2000.00 in a savings account.

This year I will let those people who have touched my life in one way or another know it. I have learned this year, life is short. I want these people to know how much they have changed my life before it's too late.

The rest of my resolutions are just for me. I am choosing not to make them public because they are tough and it is going to be difficult for me, but I will prevail, no doubt.

Thank you all for being a part my life.

I am seriously slacking...

2011-12-05T20:05:00.003-05:00

Sorry guys...lots of stuff going on lately.

My life seems to of flipped upside down again and I can't get my head on straight.

Let's go through a summary of things floating around in my life currently:

my ex husband is killing me right now (I can't go into it cause I would never bash him online)

my current husband is killing me right now (haha, it's ok to laugh) We are just at a place in our marriage where we are just living day to day to get by. It's hard for us to connect and to speak our minds, thoughts and feelings. I am feeling very stuck and lonely right now. And NO, I am not bashing him in anyway. He knows we are going through something. He knows we are trying to work out these kinks. All marriages have kinks...it's just taking time to work them out. I love him deeply and that will never change. I have no fear of divorcing or anything like that. We just hit an icky place. We are so busy with jobs, the kids, the house, holidays, birthday, etc that it is so hard to find "us" time. And if we do get time, we have to pay to go somewhere and pay for a sitter. And I know there are a ton of free or low cost things we can do but honestly it doesn't work for us. We like to sit down to a nice meal, chit chat and then we usually end of going to Target (yes, you can laugh again) where we walk around, window shop and talk some more. It works for us. Enough about us...lets move on

Missing my grandpa and my dad like crazy. Holidays always get to me. Especially Father's Day and Christmas. I have no one to celebrate. (and yes I do celebrate my husband, but this is different) I feel like I have no one to honor for raising me. My grandpa did most of the raising. He was the main father figure in my life. I literally think about him EVERY DAY. I wish I could share things with him, ask him advice, tell him how much my kids take after him. I just miss him so much...it makes my heart hurt. I also miss my dad. He passed away May 15, 2010. It was very sudden. I didn't know him well or even spend much time with him. He spent most of his life addicted to some kind of drug and/or alcohol. I learned it was just in the last year of his life he became clean, got an apartment and started looking for us (me, my brother and sister) I learned that when he died it was quick and he came back drug and alcohol free. I just feel robbed. There was so much time I could of spent getting to know him again. All I have left are memories from when I was a kid and a mental picture of him laying in a casket. Both of those are two very different people. I would of liked to of known the in-between person and the person he was becoming.

My wonderful children....who are becoming older right before my eyes. Emma learned all about Santa and the Tooth Fairy and she's getting boobies!! Landon started Kindergarten, Chase is in his last year of preschool.....they are becoming these people, they each have their own personality. I am not doing so well at this mothering thing. I am trying to do right. But in the back of my mind I just feel like a failure. These kids don't come with instruction books ya know.

And finally there has been this ever growing journey with Christ. He finally has a secure place in my heart and world. My life is changing so rapidly and yet so slowly. I have lost old friends and have gained new. I have been praying so hard all the time. I am teaching the kids about God and the bible. We are going to church every Sunday. When something bad happens in my life I no longer blame God but I ask him to be with me to get through it. I no longer blame him for things in my life, I thank him. I am thankful for the grace of God. I know that he does not make bad things happen but the bad decisions I make do have consequences. I know in the end it will be God who I report to. I am not perfect and I am still on this crazy journey.

And that about sums everything up. I promise I am going to be better at this blogging thing. I feel better when I write. I just need to do it more often. Thanks all for listening....till next time

(oh, btw, I did spell check on this and I only misspelled ONE word!!! New record for me!!!)

Just a bunch of mumbo jumbo....

2011-10-15T21:37:00.002-04:00

I wish I had more time to give my little ole blog. I am constantly thinking of blog posts in my head, I can just never seem to make them happen. So, again, this blog is going to be a hodge podge of things.

*The boys birthdays are coming soon. Chase will be 5 on November 6th and Landon will be 6 on November 29th. Crazy!! We are having a huge bowling party which of course I am spending way too much money on. Oh well...life goes on. I never really had parties growing up so I make sure my kids have blow out parties. I know what you are all thinking and I don't care. I just want to give my kids things I never had and yes I may over do it but the kids love it.

*Started my new 9 month bible study this week. Matt is doing it with me and so far it's been awesome. We both complete it separate then get together on Friday nights to discuss. Last night it took us 2 HOURS to go over 8 questions!!! This is going to be a great study. Basically we are taking the basics and looking deeper into them. I am so excited to do this with my husband. I think this is going to take our relationship to a whole new level.

*That is pretty much it right now. All I seem to do is eat, work, sleep and clean. That is my life.

Talk to you guys soon!!!

8 Months Later......

2011-08-18T23:11:00.002-04:00

Ummmm has it really been 8 months since my last post??? Wow...

I am still living..taking each day one at a time.

So a quick summary of 2011....

January - nothing..cold and boring month

February - got a new laptop and got fired from my job

March - VEGAS BABY and took Landon to Florida to visit my brother (posts to come)

April - Baby girl Emma turns 9 and started my new job

May - celebrated my 6 year wedding anniversary

June - Landon lost his very first tooth

July - Boring month...did nothing but work, clean, cook, and take care of the kids

August - Celebrated my 31st bday, took a mini vacation to Idlewild Park in PA

and that about sums up the past 8 months, So how has everyone else been? I miss blogging. I am definitely going to make a commitment to at least one blog a week starting now.

There have been alot of ups and downs with me. I have been struggling with so many things. It's hard to be a full time working mom and now I have the kids cheerleading and football thrown into the mix....life just got harder. oh, well.....life goes on and I got to figure out a way to deal with it. I did make the big decision to go off all my meds. SCARY!!! The withdraw was horrible and I really didn't think it was ever going to end. But I did it. SO now I am trying to live my crazy life med free. We will just have to see how this goes.

I tried to quit smoking. I quit for a whole weekend. EPIC FAIL. I am just not ready to quit yet. I will get there, but in my own time.

Weight loss thing is a downer....might as well just call it what it is...weight gain but telling everyone that I am the same weight. Although I have decided (after talking with my husband) to look into having the LapBand procedure done. I am really excited about that possibility. We will just have to see where that takes us.

Kids are still crazy as hell. Emma's starting 4th grade and has to wear s sports bra now. Landon is starting kindergarten and has already lost 2 teeth and is riding a 20 inch bike. Chase is starting his last year of preschool and is FINALLY coming out of his shell. That kid has quite the personality, I love it.

Well, it's about that time for me...promise more next week....might even be like an actual subject or something not just a ton of random thoughts

Landon's Birth Story

2010-12-27T09:18:00.006-05:00

SO I know Landon's birthday was almost a month ago.....but it's Christmas time and things got busy.

On November 29th my baby boy turned 5 years old. We celebrated by taking all the kids to Chuck E CHeese on the his actual birthday and it was a birthday miracle because the place was almost empty. It was the best time we have had at Chuck E Cheese for a long time. The kids had a great time and I had a great time!!

Ok, on to Landon's birth story...

Landon was a complete suprise. Matt and I were not trying to have a baby, infact I was on birth control when I got pregnant. Oops. It happens. Damn that bottle of wine! I won't go into all the drama (oh, but there was big drama) but everything worked out good and my due date was set for December 6th. I found out we were having a boy a couple weeks before my birthday so it was an early birthday present for me. I was beyond thrilled to be having a boy after having a little girl.

So my pregnancy for the most part went ok. I did have symphsis seperation which basiclly means my pevlic bone split in two. It was quite painful and they were unable to fix it or do anything about it until after birth. And even then after birth it just heals up on it's own......so with that being said they deceided to induce me at 39 weeks which would have been November 30th, a Tuesday.

On the saturday after Thanksgiving which was also the Saturday before birth, Matt and I deceided to go out and have a nice meal as one of our last meals before baby. We both ordered some kinda smothered chicken. After cutting into the chicken it kinda looked pinkish but we both thought it was from the red neon lights that were above us in the restuarant. Well needless to say.....we got food poisoning.

Matt and I were sick all day Sunday. It was horrible only having one bathroom. I finally started to feel better Sunday early evening and so did Matt. My stomach was still crampy and was hurting but I chalked it up to being sick. Late Sunday evening my stomach was hurting so bad that I thought it might be time to have this baby. I got MAtt up and we took Emma to my grandma's house.

We got to the hospital and sure enough I was dialted 4cm. Apparently the food poisoning with the dehydration kicked my body into labor. So they got me all checked in and started the IV. I was flying through the IV bags becasue I was so dehydrated. Well after they gave me 5 IV bags, my labor stopped. Now it was time to make a decision whether they were going to keep me and induce me one day early or if they were going to send me home and have me come back tomorrow for my induction.

They decided to keep me. They started the induction process around 9am, water broke about 1130am and my beautiful baby boy came in to this world at 5:39pm weighing 8lbs 4oz and 21 inches long. He was the most beaultiful baby that I had ever seen.

Matt was wonderful through the entire birthing process. I couldn't of asked for anything more.

Where has the time gone?

2010-10-28T09:58:00.002-04:00

This year has been extremely hard for Matt and I. We lost our house, I lost my dad, family drama and lots of financial problems.

This has put me into a tailspin of depression. I am wallowing in it. I am swimming in it. I feel most days that I can't get out.

Losing the house was AWFUL! It made me feel like such a loser. Made me feel like I was the person my mother always made me out to be. My life was supposed to be different and now I lost the house that my family has grown in. It was just so unreal. I could see the disappointment in the eyes of family members and friends. I could see the "I told you so" look. It was harder telling people we lost the then actually losing the house.

When I lost my dad in May I remember just going through the motions. I was sad but I did not process it completely. Now I am starting that process. I am sad, so sad. I am realizing that I will never see him again. I will never be looking on the streets when I am driving. I will never ask my sister if she has talked to dad lately. I will never have to look in the paper to see if he has died. All because my dad has died. He is gone and I am trying to deal with it. I am trying to come to terms with all of these realizations.

It is just so hard to come to terms with all of it. And I am so sick of people asking me why am I so sad about it. I am sick of hearing what a crappy dad he was and he was never there. So sick of hearing that he was homeless and didn't see me for years. Well, folks that is why I am sad. There is no hope of me having a relationship with him now. He is gone. I will never fully get to know my dad. And now I am changing the subject (my posts have become such downers)

I finally started college!! I am majoring in Social Science in hopes of becoming a Licensed Social Worker in a few years. I know I can do this if I put my mind to it.

My goals for 2011 is to stay in school and lose weight. I know both of these will be hard for me but I know if I put my mind to it I can do it. I am going back on my diet that my cousin prepared for me and I am going to go to the gym at least twice a week. I know I will succeed.

This is my year!

Chase's Birth

2010-10-14T04:21:00.009-04:00

So my baby boy will be 4 in a couple weeks and I have never written in depth about his birth story. So here it is.

I was induced at 39 weeks due to all the pelvic pain I was having - YEAH!!!

So we get to the hospital at 8am and of course I am so nervous, I was up most of the night with diarrhea (just an FYI - happened each time I went into natural labor). So at the hospital they checked me and I was 3 1/2 centimeters dilated, so I was pretty much in labor. I got all hooked up and everything was going great.

About 10:30 they broke my water and they my world fell apart!! The contractions started coming fast and hard. About 12:30pm I was able to get the famous epidural.....I was hoping this time it worked. I have done it with my other kids but it never took and I ended up having them natural.

And then I heard the angels sing.....IT WORKED! I felt so great. But even with the epidural I still felt lots o pressure. They did have to put an internal monitor on the baby because the baby's heart rate kept dropping. First time that has happened to me and boy was I nervous about the baby.

3pm - laying on my side and I felt the longest contraction ever. I told Matt to get the nurse but they were already coming in the room. They told me to turn over cause it was time.

I looked puzzled because they didn't even check me yet, but they are the docs, they know best. As we were getting prepared, my Dr. came in and asked if it would be alright to have a couple extra people in the room and of course I am all drugged up and said yes. By the time everything had started I had 2 doctors, 2 nurses, 4 residents, 2 student nurses and a woman who gives a lot of money to the hospital and she wanted to see a live birth. - Oh well, what are you gonna do?

So they finally checked me and I could of sworn I heard the doctor saying something like "oh crap there's the head" I swear I did.

At this point Matt felt really sick and had to go sit down. The nurses brought him some orange juice and he seemed to get better and he continued to stand my my side.

They the doc tells me Chase is upside down (not breech). His head was facing down instead of up. Doc said it might hurt a little more to push him out like that.

So I pushed and pushed for about 10 minutes and then there he was ...........

My 8lb 7oz 21 inches long born at 3:37pm Baby Boy!

My baby was almost perfect - his blood sugar was low so I had to wait to feed him and hold him for about an hour after birth, small price to pay.

I remember sitting there getting stitched up thinking I should order food now before dinner is over. So I did, I called while I was getting stitched up. I was so crazy hungry.

I ate, I peed, I walked around. It was all good. Finally I can go to my own room and possibly take a nap.

Medical Advice from the Doctor

2010-09-29T09:48:00.003-04:00

So I have been to the doctor quite a few times in the past two months.

He wanted to run some tests, a Pulmonary Function Test and a complete blood work up with a 12 hour fasting.

I got the results back this week. Not good people, not good.

The results were not what I expected.

They said that my bad cholesterol levels where very high and my my good cholesterol levels were not so good. So I have to diet and exercises and this time it's life or death.

And for the worst part....I have moderate asthma and Stage 1 emphysema. So now it's time to quit smoking for real.

I am so angry at my self. I knew this could happen but I continued to smoke anyways. I continued to eat all that fast food and junk. I did it all. I have no one to blame but myself.

Life...Not so bad.....

2010-09-09T14:44:00.002-04:00

I have been to the doctors umpteen times in the past few weeks.....I'm just leucky he didn't admit me...hahahha.

I can laugh now because the doctor has me on a nice cocktail of meds that I take daily and nightly. The one I take during the day helps almost instantly and the other meds are to stabilize my bi polar.

There, I said, it is out in the open and for every one to read. I have bi polar type 1. I do not like to tell people because they either think I just made it up or they treat me like I am nuts.

With having the bipolar, I do a lot of dumb things. I am quick to anger. My anxiety is through the roof. I do and say things on impulse. I have low self esteem and the world seems hard to handle at times.

I do not intend to take the medicines forever...just for a little while. I intend to use my faith in God to help me cross these thorny paths in life. I intend to lean on my moms group at church for support. I intend to meet with my Transformation mentor, Karen, weekly (a church program to help you build your faith). And the hubby and I are going to attend couples therapy.

Being on the meds lets me have more of a clear mind to focus on God and my family and my healing.

I have been on the meds for 2 weeks now and I am doing really well. My husband and I have spent some quality time talking. My kids and I am actually playing and having fun.

I am spending my time in a much a better mood. I am sleeping much better.

So that's about it. That is the update. I am doing better...not there yet...but better

Just need to vent for a sec.....

2010-08-17T13:18:00.002-04:00

Life is sucky right now...just plain sucky.

I am feeling so overwhelmed with things right now.

I feel like everything is catching up to me.

I feel like I am going to fall and fall hard.

I am so angry right now. I am angry at everything. All I want to do it sit in bed and eat.

These past few months have been a trying time for me and my family. We lost our house, moved, my dad died, fighting with family and now another event has totally set me back in my recovery from the abuse I endured as a child. I am not able to openly speak about it yet but as soon as I can, believe me, I am going to be writing and writing.

I feel so trapped and helpless. I am trying to rely on God right now. I have been praying and praying for relief from these feelings but I think the devil has a tight grip on me right now.

I feel myself slipping further down each day. I think I am going to lose it.

I need help but don't know where to turn. I am ashamed and embarrassed to talk to my friends at church. I feel like I will be judged and they will look down on me.

I feel like I am going to be called crazy. I feel crazy. I feel lost. I feel empty.

Ocean City Vacation Part 1

2010-08-09T15:14:00.010-04:00

Yes, we celebrated my 30th birthday and our family vacation the same week.

The beach / ocean / family were completely awesome. We stayed with my cousins who live about 5 miles from Ocean City, MD ***score*** (saved us sooooo much on a hotel).

We spent a lot of time at the beach and Assateague Island. I am going to take you a short (possibly long) recap of our week.

Sunday 645am – leave for the beach!! Drive was long but great. The kids did wonderful. 445pm – Arrive at Kim and Dave’s house! We finally made it. We stayed in for dinner and had spaghetti and garlic bread. We let the kids play with their cousins and have some fun. Matt and I ended up going to bed around 10pm.

Monday – BEACH DAY!! We got to the beach around 830am. Landon and Emma took to the beach right away..Chase on the other hand spent the entire time in the sand approx 10 ft from any water at all. Poor kid….he just sat there all day playing in a huge sand box and it was HOT!
Emma for pinched by a horseshoe crab within the first hour. She was in the ocean and said she had her hands on the ocean floor and something pinched her. And she had the blood to prove it. She spent the next 20 minutes screaming and crying…typical Emma.
Landon was born for the beach. He had no fear. The cutest thing from Monday was that he had a bunch of shells and he was starting to bury them. He said he was hiding them so he could come back tomorrow and get them. So cute, so innocent…then about 10 minutes later he forgot where they were and freaked out…oh well.
Monday night we headed out ALONE to celebrate my 30th birthday. My cousins were soooo nice and kept my kids for us. Matt and I headed down to the Ocean City Boardwalk. We walked around and got some souvenirs a.k.a. my birthday presents and we had dinner at Hooters. Beach food always makes me nervous. I want to try new places but never sure if it will taste good and priced right, so Hooters it was. We walked on the beach a little and headed back home where we hung out with my cousins for awhile.

Tuesday – Assateague Island Day. It was about a 15 minutes drive from the house. The waves were huge and beautiful. Chase sat on the sand and played all day. Emma and Landon spent the day in the water. Landon was getting braver by the minute. At one point he actually let Matt carry him out into the ocean. And of course a huge wave came and crashed right on top of them. Matt threw Landon towards shore and Matt got knocked down. Everyone was ok but Landon as done at that point with the ocean and Matt’s expensive sunglasses were now washed away in the ocean. We joked with the kids about a shark wearing daddy’s glasses. We packed up and drove around Assateague for a while trying to look and for wild horses. We found a bunch. We let the kids out of the car to look at them and of course I took a ton of pictures.
After getting home and getting cleaned up and Kim and Dave got home, we headed out to the boardwalk again but this time with all the kids!! We had dinner at Tony’s Pizza on a rooftop restaurant that overlooked the boardwalk and ocean. It was so awesome. The kids liked all the people and all the snacks. Emma got a few posters for her room. Then we headed home…..the kids crashed out before we even got home…the really long 10 minute drive.

Wednesday – Today we decided to do something a little different. We went to Frontiertown. It was this “huge” waterpark with all these waterslides, kiddie pool and mini golf. After paying $54 for all of us we get in and there were 3 slides, a lazy river and a decent size kiddie pool….RIP OFF! We stayed and we swam and we played. Landon was just tall enough to go down the waterslides by him self and you better believe he did. He did not want mommy or daddy going with him. And we only lost the kids twice…yep…twice. One would run to the lazy river, one would be in the kiddie pool and the other would be heading towards the slides. We had to sit them down and explain why they just couldn’t take off like that. And then the rain came and we got outta there.
We decided to go back to the house and clean up and do some outlet shopping! Fun for me, bad for the little boys. They were AWFUL! They just wanted to go back to the house and watch TV.
We stayed in for dinner and had homemade Philly Cheese Steaks and pasta salad (kids had mac n cheese of course) then off to the really fun stuff.
The kids have been begging the moment we arrived and saw all Dave’s fishing poles; they really wanted to go fishing. So Dave got everything ready and we set off for some fishing and some crabbing. The crabbing was so much fun and all the kids enjoyed it. We drove to somewhere in the bay area, parked our cars on the side of the road and set up shop. We tied string to raw chicken legs and threw them out in the bay and we caught a TON of crabs. We could only keep 3 because they have to be a certain size in order to keep. Landon actually caught one of the three!! I was so proud of him and I think he was a little proud of himself.
After we had caught 3 crabs and done a little fishing the bugs were out in full force and 3 of the 5 kids we had with us were throwing fits so we headed back home and put them all to bed. The adults had a good time staying up late talking about the past and family things.

Thursday – Ocean City Beach!! Dave and my little cousin Vincent came with us on this day. Chase of course sat on his sand. Emma, Landon and Vincent played in the ocean on the boogie boards and had a great time. We went home, cleaned up and took some naps. I was getting stuff ready for the next day (leaving for Washington DC in the morning). Kim brought home HUGE steaks for dinner so we had that for dinner. Dave cooked up the crabs from the night before and one of Dave’s friends brought over some more crabs, so my hubby sure got him fill of crabs.

Friday – Packed up and got ready to head to Washington DC….to be continued….The Most Horrible Trip to the Nation’s Capital

One more about my Dad.....just an update

2010-07-28T09:17:00.004-04:00

I called the coroners office last Friday to find out my dad's cause of death. After saying a huge long word the ME said that he died from a bad heart. He said that my dad most likely had a heart attack and dies instantly. I think I actually let out a sigh of relief. I wasn't even going to ask about the toxicology report but he brought it up and asked if I would like to know the results.

I think I had about 15 different emotions running through me at the same time. Then I remember saying "sure". He told me at the time of death my dad was NEGATIVE for any drugs and alcohol.

In that moment a wave of relief ran through my body. For the first time in sooooo long, I was proud of of dad. I was happy for him. I was happy he didn't lie. I was happy he was clean. I was actually proud of him. That feeling was great and I am still living that feeling.

So now when anyone has anything crappy to say about my dad I am totally going to throw it in there face. He died a recovering drug and alcohol addict. Not a user, but in recovery.

And yes, I know that my dad was far from perfect. He didn't pay child support, he didn't come to see us, he was in and out of jail, he was homeless that last 5 years or so of his life.....BUT the day my dad died HE WAS CLEAN. And I am allowed to be proud of that.

4th of July Weekend

2010-07-05T10:09:00.004-04:00

My family and I had such a wonderful busy weekend. We spent a ton of family time together and did so many things.

Friday

Doctors appt for me

Finally picked up my dads ashes (yes it really did take me that long)

Got a pedicure

Went to CiCi's for dinner

Went and saw Eclipse with my hubby and some great friends

Saturday

Breakfast with my dads brother, Jamie and his wife, then out to there farm house.

Hartville Flea Market (crazy busy!!)

Car Show at Summit Racing...the boys LOVE to go to Daddy's work. Landon is obsessed with Mustangs even though my husband very much dislikes them.

Went out to dinner at Rockne's

Played on the Slip N Slide and in the pool

Then off to Portage Lakes fireworks where all kids fell asleep one the way home - YEAH!

Sunday

I had to work...boo...well I didn't HAVE to, I chose to. It was a lot of extra money and it was only 8-4.

Matt took the kids to church for one of the most amazing services...which I had to miss :(

Then off to Downtown Akron for the Rib, White and Blue Festival and Fireworks

And now I am back at work. We are headed out later to do some swimming with some peeps from church and that is ALWAYS a good time.

But for now I will sit here eating my 3rd piece of banana bread thinking about all the amazing people that have been taken out of my life too soon. July 4th always gets to me. Especially since my grandpa died in 2001. My grandma's bday is June 30th and that's when the grieving starts back. It is still weird not to have him here for all these big events and life changes.

And now this year I have my dad to think about. It kind of feels over now. I picked up his ashes and now I am done. What else is there to do? Part of me is relieved that I went and got them. I gave some to my sister and some to my dads brother and I still have to take some to my dads sister. But part of me is sad cause it's all over and everything is done. I really can't explain what I mean, it's just so hard. Life goes on. I will grieve and I will go on.

On to something lighter...the fireworks!!! Akron's fireworks were AMAZING! I always get so emotional when I look at the fireworks and I am hearing all the music and I sit in awe of my family. It's like reality kicks me in the butt every year. They are all mine. There 3 amazing, fearless children are all mine. My adoring husband who looks at me like I am the most beautiful things on this planet..is all mine.

I am so blessed to have my family.

I don't say it nearly enough.

Update: 101 Things To Do in 1001 Days

2010-06-28T09:44:00.001-04:00

1. Paint Kitchen
2. Paint Family Room
3. Take down all wallpaper in large hallway
4. Power wash house
5. Landscape the front yard (and then maintain it) **DONE
6. Catch up scrapbooking (and maintain it at least every 3 months)
7. Make a chore chart for my children and make them stick to it
8. Make a cleaning schedule (one for everyday tasks and one for big things) **DONE
9. Go through everyone’s closet and donate any clothes to Goodwill ** DONE
10. Buy new pots and pans
11. Get Hubby an awesome lawn mower (we have a large yard and need a much better mower) **DONE
12. Get a swimming pool for the kids **DONE
13. Organize all scrapbook supplies **DONE
14. Go through all the 30 boxes of kids clothes in basement and decide once and for all what to do with them
15. Spend an hour each week with each kid alone
16. Sleep 7 hours a night EVERY night
17. Get a new bedroom set
18. Get a new bedding set (to match the new bedroom set)
19. Start packing for vacation only one week ahead (not a month ahead)
20. Stick to the Christmas budget
21. Lose 10lbs
22. Lose 20 lbs
23. Lose 20 lbs
24. Lose 20 lbs
25. Lose last 10 lbs
26. Quit smoking in 2010
27. Go to a marriage retreat with my husband
28. Read my bible **DONE
29. Become more active at church **DONE
30. Learn more about God, learn more stories ** DONE
31. Take a financial class
32. Read 50 books
33. Drink ONLY water for one week
34. Build an emergency fund equal of 2 months paychecks
35. Make a will
36. Get 2 bookshelves and proudly display a lot of my books
37. Have Matt and kids get passports so we can go to Niagara Falls
38. Go one month with no fast food (does not include pizza)
39. Continue going once a month with the girls from church ** DONE
40. Go one entire weekend with no internet/cell phone
41. Go one entire week wearing NO sweat pants or tops
42. Get a pedicure
43. Get a facial
44. Go on vacation Summer 2010
45. Go on vacation Summer 2012
46. Go to Idlewild summer 2011
47. Write one letter a month to a friend or family member (not email, an actual letter)
48. Complete budget for 2010 **DONE
49. In December complete budget for 2011
50. In December 2011, complete budget for 2012
51. Visit my grandma 3 times a week at the very least **DONE
52. Organize DVD’s in alphabetical order
53. Keep food cupboards organized (new food in back) **DONE
54. Do not dye hair for 3 months- let it grow and get healthy again
55. Get more 4th of July decorations
56. Get more Christmas decorations
57. Get more Thanksgiving decorations
58. Wean my kids off fruit snacks
59. Start eating more sugar free foods
60. Play board games with kids once a week
61. Get a new fish and not let him die
62. Exercise 3 times a week at gym (I can get in free with my awesome health insurance card)
63. Try to make my bed every day
64. Get a new lap top
65. Get a smart phone
66. Get new couches **DONE
67. Send thank you cards after all the kids birthdays
68. Make a difficult cookie for the cookie party
69. Make a new dish each month
70. Eat home more often
71. Only have chicken nuggets and Mac n cheese once a week **DONE
72. Take trash to the trash can, I will not throw any more candy wrappers behind my headboard (yeah, I know, I’m like 5) **DONE
73. Stop sneaking sweets and if I do, only once a week
74. Only 2 McDonalds Frappes a week (does that count as fast food?? It’s only coffee right?) **DONE
75. Only go to WalMart, Target and Giant Eagle once a week. **DONE
76. Do not let the gas in my car get below ¼ tank
77. Take a pottery class
78. Join a book club through the library
79. Take kids to story time once a week (or every two weeks)
80. Commit to not committing to so much each week **DONE
81. Have a GNO at a hotel once a year with 3 close friends
82. Only have one selling party a year (ya know, like Pampered Chef, Tastefully Simple, PartyLite..etc, I could go on and on)
83. Go to each and every one of Emma’s cheerleading games
84. Try and be team mom for season 2011 for Emma’s cheer squad **DONE
85. Get an iPod
86. Spend 20 minutes a day talking with my husband without my children around **DONE
87. Get a new portable dishwasher **DONE
88. Shop more at discount stores i.e. Big Lots, Sav A Lot, Marc’s
89. Shop less for needless things
90. Get contacts
91. Play more Rockband and get really good so I am rock out with my brother
92. Be nicer to my ex husband **DONE
93. Blog at least once a week – shoot for 2 but will be happy with one
94. Twitter more often
95. Facebook a little less
96. Go on a date with my husband once a month
97. Get a houseplant and not kill it
98. Organize filing cabinet **DONE
99. Go through and organize ALL junk drawers through out the house **DONE
100. Save $5 for each item I complete off this list
101. Make a new list after 1001 days

So I think I am making pretty good progress. I wanted to have more done but oh well, life gets in the way.

Wow...it's been way too long.

2010-06-09T11:29:00.005-04:00

I am going to try and make this a quick update so you don't have to be reading this all day.

I have been trying to deal with my dads death. These past few weeks have been hard and I am sad a lot. I am sad for so many different reasons that I would prolly make no sense telling you all of them.

I am working through the grief and anger with the help of some great ladies at church. They are AMAZING and I am so grateful to know these women.

My husband has been utterly wonderful these past few weeks. He is dealing with my moods and anger. He is just a fantastic husband.

Speaking of my fantastic husband, we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary on the 28th. We had the best time. We slowed danced and drank...we could ask for a better evening.

Then......my very little 4 year old man, Landon, is riding a bike with no training wheels!! How cool is that??? Matt was a little disappointed because he didn't get to "teach" his first son how to ride a bike. Matt took the wheels off, Landon hopped on and he TOOK OFF!! Matt had to run inside and grab the camera, so we weren't even able to get his first time on camera. This is about 10 minutes after he took off. (and yes, we did go out and buy him a bike helmet)

We have been working around the house and the yard getting things done. All of the house is done (except for the wallpaper in the hallway, but that can wait) and we finally got all the landscaping done. And when I say we, I mean Matt. I think I am allergic to yard work. Below is one of the first plants Matt ever bought me. On our first date he brought me a Lily and when we bought our first house he bought me the lilies below. We transferred all our plants to the new house and they are doing extremely well.

Well, I think that about does it. Oh, I almost forgot. Landon and Chase received there first Pen Pal letter!!! I got in the day after my dad died so getting the response in the mail has been a work in progress but I am determined to get it in the mail by the end of the weekend!!

I promise to start blogging more, I just have to get outta my funk. Peace Out Yo!

My Dad is Gone

2010-05-16T00:49:00.002-04:00

My dad and I had a strained relationship to say the least. But in the end he was my dad.

My dad died Friday May 14th around 930am. The Akron Police Dept found him dead on he side of the road near Wolf Ledges. He was walking, collapsed and someone called 911, he was dead before the first responding officer arrived.

My dad has been a drug and alcohol addict for as long as I can remember. He was in and out of our lives, mostly out. I have seen him a hand ful of times since becoming an adult.

The last time I saw him was September 2007. I met him at the Haven of Rest (a local homeless shelter) where he was staying. We walked to the park behind the building and talked for about 2 hours. My dad has never lied to me. He always told me he was a bad father. He told me to always felt guilty and he knew he couldn't control his addictions. I am not saying what he did was right and because he told me the truth that it erases the pain but at least I know that he knew he screwed up.

Throughout planning his funeral I am finding out so much about this man. My dad has been involved in many community services, mostly CSS, to get back on his feet. My dad has been clean and sober since September 2009. He took regular drug test and has passes. His caseworker help him get disability and an apartment. My dad finally did it. He finally got clean. He was turning his life around.

His CSS caseworker told me that he has been looking for us (me, my sister and brother) for about 3 months. She look on Facebook and Myspace and did many Internet searches, but not knowing our married names made it hard. His caseworker finally did find my mom and they were planning on going to my moms house this upcoming week. Just one more week and I could of seen my dad. Just one more week.

This whole process has been unreal. Everything from talking to the Medical Examiners office to sitting for 2 hours in the funeral home and planning out his funeral. I feel like an adult finally. This is just too much.

I am sad, very sad. I kinda wish I didn't know my dad was getting clean for us and that he talked about us all the time to his caseworker. I will never have a relationship with the clean and sober dad I have always wanted. I will never have that.

Regardless of what my dad to us growing up he is still my dad and I still love him. He still deserves an amazing and proper funeral. I will never forget what I had to go through with him but I will forgive him.

If you would like to see the obituary, please go to Ohio.com and search for Gary L Robinson Sr.

No matter what anyone says he left this world as a good man. He did it, he finally did it and I am so proud of him.

Just a Quickie......

2010-05-10T02:06:00.002-04:00

Life has been INSANE these past 2 weeks.

We have finally got all moved. I can't wait to post pictures but by the time I clean up and get ready to take pictures the kids have destroyed my house.

Moving day went REALLY well. Since we have been moving for month, all we had on moving day was the big stuff. Matt picked the truck up at 8am, they started loading about 815am, and it was all unfreakin loaded at 11am!!! We had everything put away and most of the stuff hung up by 5pm. We actually had time to go out for Mexican, a trip to Lowes and Walmart and we all got showers and chilled. Sunday we spent the day finishing hanging stuff, organizing the basement and doing odds and ends. If we ever move again I am doing it this way. It was so easy and non stressful.

I did have one breakdown on moving day. We loaded up everything and I was the last one to leave because I stayed and I did one last walk through. I got into my car and started bawling. I have not cried that hard in a loooooonnnnnnggggg time. I had so many thoughts and emotions running through my body. I was sad to see our first house go. I was upset because we mis managed money and we lost the house. I was sad to see the memories stay and we left. I was scared of the new house and the new life. So of course I tried to call my husband and no answer, I tried calling my best friend and no answer. So I just drove, barley unable to see, I just drove. I pulled into the new house and I know I looked like a big mess. No one said anything to me but I know they saw it. Even though we did everything we could to keep our house I still feel like the worlds biggest failure.

So let's move on to more happier things. I finally start my DAY SHIFT job on May 24th! I am beyond excited. I feel this was a great move for me and I know I am totally going to kick ass.

Well, I am running out of steam but I just have one more little thing to share with you. A few weeks ago our Director of Services (the big wig) sent out an email asking for a paragraph on the mom, grandma, aunt, or special woman in our lives. She wanted to send them a Mothers Day card from our agency. So here is what was sent to my grandma (the best woman in the entire world) My grandma is my world. My grandparents practically raised me because my mom couldn't. SO here's in the awesome Mothers Day card from my work (Battered Women's Shelter of Summit and Medina Counties)

Dear Irene;

A few weeks ago, I told the staff of the Battered Women’s Shelter that they could send me a story about their Mothers, Sisters or Grandmothers and that I would then forward a special Mothers Day Card to each of them.

Therefore it is with enormous gratitude that I am sending this card to with you with wishes for the Happiest Mothers Day from Kelly. We are so blessed to have a staff member like your grand-daughter on our team.

They say that the “apple does not fall far from the tree”. So with that in mind………..

- I thank you for Kelly’s kindness………….she is always looking for ways to help and support other staff and our clients,
- I thank you for Kelly’s sense of humor……she makes us smile at every turn, even when the topics are heavy and serious she can find a way to smile,
- I thank you for Kelly’s desire to better herself…………she always listens and accepts the constructive supervision offered by her supervisors,
- I thank you for Kelly’s sense of initiative………..whenever there is something needing done she see’s it and jumps right in to start the work,
- I thank you for Kelly’s empathy skills………..she helps every client to feel a little better for spending time with her,
- I thank you for Kelly’s desire to help others………..she would give the shirt off her back for a person in need,
- I thank you for Kelly’s loyalty…….she believes in this agency and in the people we serve.

You raised a wonderful young woman and I am proud to have her as a member of our staff.
You did so much right with her in her young years that she is now a beautiful and fabulous member of society.

So on this Mothers Day…………….I thank you for your gift to us, your grand-daughter.

Please enjoy these thoughts that Kelly shared with me:

My Grandma has been there for me ever since I can remember. She has been my one stable person my whole life. I will always remember Friday night was the night we ate out, Saturdays were for big breakfast and cleaning. I will always remember how I thought my grandma was the smartest person in the world because she always answered the questions right on Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. She is the one person that holds our entire family together; 6 kids and their spouses, 17 grandchildren and their spouses and 34 great grandchildren. My grandma taught me how important family is and what a family really was. Grandma taught me right from wrong. She taught me how to stand up for my self. She taught me that I have to work hard to get the things I want from life. She taught me relationships and marriage is hard and takes work. She taught me to always try and be the bigger person. I love my grandma like she was my mom. I am the luckiest person in the world to have been able to spend my life with her.

Thank you Irene for being such a great role model for Kelly. Your family is a wonderful example of love.
Have a wonderful Mothers Day,
Terri Heckman, Executive Director

Almost Time!!

2010-04-28T07:06:00.003-04:00

Moving day is 3 days away!! I only have 3 more nights left in that house. Matt and I talked last night and luckily we are not really attached to the home. We had only lived there 3 years and yes it was our first home but neither of us is really attached to it.

Of course I am sad to leave it. We have had alot of great memories there. My baby Chase was only 6 months old when we moved in. He learned to walk and talk in that living room.

It was the home where Landon and Chase dyed Easter Eggs for the first time. The living room where I saw my daughter grow up right before my eyes; standing there in her cheerleading uniform with her hair all pulled back.

The house where my husband and I really learned to love each other. We learned how to talk to each other. We learned how to enjoy each others company.

I watched my kids embrace the magic on Santa and leave carrots for the reindeer.

Okay, I lied, tears are welling up thinking about all these memories. But life goes on. Matt and I made this decision on alot of prayer. We truly believe this is the best decision for our family.

We will build new memories. We will make a better lives for our family.

Hold Me While I have a MELTDOWN

2010-04-21T05:30:00.002-04:00

I had my first official moving meltdown yesterday. Hubby is not very happy with me right now. Actually we haven't spoken since 8pm Tuesday...oops

OK, so here's the scoop. I am a planner. I am a list maker. So I made a bunch of lists detailing what we need to get done each day until the move.

I tend to freak out if I get off schedule or plans get messed up.

So I woke up at 630pm which was 1 1/2 hours behind schedule. So naturally I am already in a tizzy. We get to the new house and NE HAS DONE NOTHING ON THE LIST!! I had 5 or 6 things I wanted him to do before we went over and NOTHING was done.

I may want to add in that I also woke up sick. Not like really sick but sinus sick. I felt like complete crap, so that didn't help my attitude.

So we are over there working and my mouth just starts. I am complaining and yelling and name calling and then I decide to go to the playroom, tell the kids to get there shoes on and get in the car. I tell Matt either your spending the night here or your getting in the car now.

We spent a whole 45 minutes pretty much doing nothing at the new house.

And because I was a big bratty baby we have a TON on work to do on Saturday . Saturday the day where I wanted to spend sometime with the kids now we have to complete all the stupid work we didn't get done today.

I am so mad at my self. I don't know why I couldn't just stick it out and get some work done. I am such an idiot sometimes.

Our old house is about 85% cleared out except for the furniture we need to live from for the next week and a half. We have the kitchen, half of the bathroom and a little bit more in Emma's room to take over and all the stuff will be over. Friday before the big move I am taking all the clothes and non perishable food. So yeah, we do have alot done but I want more. I want the new house to be almost all put away before big moving day. I want to be able to plop all the furniture in and be done. We are even going to hang all the crap in the kids rooms, bathrooms and dining room before the big day.

That's the plan anyways.....hahahahaha.

Guess Who's Going to Day Shift????/

2010-04-20T02:35:00.002-04:00

I got the job!!! I am awesome!!

I haven't been this happy or excited in awhile. I just cannot believe I got the job. No more 3rd shift!! I will be working Monday - Friday 8am - 4pm (ish)!!! I am going to be able to spend more time with the women at the shelter, I am going to be able to make more of a difference.

I found out this morning around 8am but I couldn't say anything because they were going to tell the other person who applied she didn't get the job until noon.

It really hit me when I woke up around 530pm. I had to call my boss to go over salary and all that fun stuff and then it just hit me. My life is going to be normal again. My kids might start listening to me and not taking advantage of the fact I am so tired in the evenings. I don't have to feed my kids cereal and waffles for dinner (I hate making dinner as soon as I wake up). I get to sleep in the same bed as my husband 7 days a week. The good things about this new job are endless.

And I truly believe it was God who gave me this job. I prayed about it even before I applied. I wasn't sure if it was the right move for me. So I applied. I prayed. I prayed hard. I knew if this was where I was supposed to be, God would put me there. He always has bigger plans for us and if I was needed on 3rd shift then I would of stayed on 3rd shift. I believe I can make such a difference on 1st shift. Getting right into the action. I get to do case management now!! And that is huge. That is how we get the women from shelter life back into their own lives. That is where they learn how to live away from their abusers safely. That is where they get to come and spill on their problems on my shoulders and I walk them through rebuilding their life.

I am so grateful to my bosses for giving me this opportunity. I know I am going to be great and I know I am going to love it 100%

Writing this is making me think of one of my favorite quotes

Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to no one. William Shakespeare

2010-04-14T01:17:00.001-04:00

So for everyone that knows me knows I am total control freak. I make list after list after list. I make lists of lists that need to be written. I make weekly calendars off of the monthly calendars. I have a calendar in my purse, at work and at home and on my computer.
I am completely insane. So now I have decided to make a new list. I am going to complete 101 Things In 1001 Days. This begins tomorrow Wednesday April 14, 2010 and ends Tuesday January 9, 2013

I stole this idea from Loving Mom Two Boys – she is my inspiration. I had no trouble coming up with 101 Things to do, I could have kept going but then it would make for a VERY long post.

Well, I won’t keep you waiting…so here it is (and nothing is in any sort of order, I typed as it came into my head)

1. Paint Kitchen
2. Paint Family Room
3. Take down all wallpaper in large hallway
4. Power wash house
5. Landscape the front yard (and then maintain it)
6. Catch up scrapbooking (and maintain it at least every 3 months)
7. Make a chore chart for my children and make them stick to it
8. Make a cleaning schedule (one for everyday tasks and one for big things)
9. Go through everyone’s closet and donate any clothes to Goodwill
10. Buy new pots and pans
11. Get Hubby an awesome lawn mower (we have a large yard and need a much better mower)
12. Get a swimming pool for the kids
13. Organize all scrapbook supplies
14. Go through all the 30 boxes of kids clothes in basement and decide once and for all what to do with them
15. Spend an hour each week with each kid alone
16. Sleep 7 hours a night EVERY night
17. Get a new bedroom set
18. Get a new bedding set (to match the new bedroom set)
19. Start packing for vacation only one week ahead (not a month ahead)
20. Stick to the Christmas budget
21. Lose 10lbs
22. Lose 20 lbs
23. Lose 20 lbs
24. Lose 20 lbs
25. Lose last 10 lbs
26. Quit smoking in 2010
27. Go to a marriage retreat with my husband
28. Read my bible
29. Become more active at church
30. Learn more about God, learn more stories
31. Take a financial class
32. Read 50 books
33. Drink ONLY water for one week
34. Build an emergency fund equal of 2 months paychecks
35. Make a will
36. Get 2 bookshelves and proudly display a lot of my books
37. Have Matt and kids get passports so we can go to Niagara Falls
38. Go one month with no fast food (does not include pizza)
39. Continue going once a month with the girls from church
40. Go one entire weekend with no internet/cell phone
41. Go one entire week wearing NO sweat pants or tops
42. Get a pedicure
43. Get a facial
44. Go on vacation Summer 2010
45. Go on vacation Summer 2012
46. Go to Idlewild summer 2011
47. Write one letter a month to a friend or family member (not email, an actual letter)
48. Complete budget for 2010
49. In December complete budget for 2011
50. In December 2011, complete budget for 2012
51. Visit my grandma 3 times a week at the very least
52. Organize DVD’s in alphabetical order
53. Keep food cupboards organized (new food in back)
54. Do not dye hair for 3 months- let it grow and get healthy again
55. Get more 4th of July decorations
56. Get more Christmas decorations
57. Get more Thanksgiving decorations
58. Wean my kids off fruit snacks
59. Start eating more sugar free foods
60. Play board games with kids once a week
61. Get a new fish and not let him die
62. Exercise 3 times a week at gym (I can get in free with my awesome health insurance card)
63. Try to make my bed every day
64. Get a new lap top
65. Get a smart phone
66. Get new couches
67. Send thank you cards after all the kids birthdays
68. Make a difficult cookie for the cookie party
69. Make a new dish each month
70. Eat home more often
71. Only have chicken nuggets and Mac n cheese once a week
72. Take trash to the trash can, I will not throw any more candy wrappers behind my headboard (yeah, I know, I’m like 5)
73. Stop sneaking sweets and if I do, only once a week
74. Only 2 McDonalds Frappes a week (does that count as fast food?? It’s only coffee right?)
75. Only go to WalMart, Target and Giant Eagle once a week.
76. Do not let the gas in my car get below ¼ tank
77. Take a pottery class
78. Join a book club through the library
79. Take kids to story time once a week (or every two weeks)
80. Commit to not committing to so much each week
81. Have a GNO at a hotel once a year with 3 close friends
82. Only have one selling party a year (ya know, like Pampered Chef, Tastefully Simple, PartyLite..etc, I could go on and on)
83. Go to each and every one of Emma’s cheerleading games
84. Try and be team mom for season 2011 for Emma’s cheer squad
85. Get an iPod
86. Spend 20 minutes a day talking with my husband without my children around
87. Get a new portable dishwasher
88. Shop more at discount stores i.e. Big Lots, Sav A Lot, Marc’s
89. Shop less for needless things
90. Get contacts
91. Play more Rockband and get really good so I am rock out with my brother
92. Be nicer to my ex husband
93. Blog at least once a week – shoot for 2 but will be happy with one
94. Twitter more often
95. Facebook a little less
96. Go on a date with my husband once a month
97. Get a houseplant and not kill it
98. Organize filing cabinet
99. Go through and organize ALL junk drawers through out the house
100. Save $5 for each item I complete off this list
101. Make a new list after 1001 days

OK, so I know that was extremely long, sorry. But now to the fun part!! The winner of the giveaway!!

I picked a winner the fancy way..slips of paper in a bowl…I know, I am so classy

And the WINNER is………………. Liz from Loving Mom 2 Boys

(Seriously weird since the whole post I wrote was I was inspired by
her post. I wrote the post then picked a winner)

So Liz, make sure you email your contact info as soon as you can!! And don’t forget to include where you would like to have the $25 gift card for!!!

And thank you all for the great tips - keep em coming!

It's coming....I pinky swear

2010-04-12T07:17:00.001-04:00

I do have the winner from my very first giveaway BUT I am working on an awesome post with it, so please bear with me.....

Anxiety...How I Love Thee

2010-04-01T02:34:00.003-04:00

My anxiety level has been so high lately. I think I am going nuts. Just looking at my calendar makes my heart race....seriously...look for your self...

And this doesn't include moving. I have a seperate schedule that is broke down by week and inlcudes a moving schedule. It has how many loads o' crap that we need to get over each day along with any stores we have to go to, any appointments, birthdays, previous engagements etc. it's alot of crap to do and I am really starting to freak the heck out.

My old house is a mess, the new house is a mess. I feel like I can't get ahead right now. I am constantly laying in bed thinking about what should I pack next or what we are going to need or which curtains should go in which room, better yet, which curtin rods should go in which room. Then I start thinking about where all my pictures and decorations are going to go. It's like a hamster wheel in my brain. Seriously.

On top of all this I applied for a day shift position at the shelter where I work. And I REALLY want it. I want it sooooo bad. Working a first shift job would help my life so much. Workin midnight to 8am is rough, really rough. Sleeping is a pain, waking up is a pain. And it's a very lonely shift. Most of the time the residents are sleeping, my friends are sleeping, the freakin world is sleeping. I know I have said it before, but I thrive on stress. I work so much better under pressure. I need the stress. Of course my shift is stressful at times but it's not a constant.

So I am really nervous about it and I am praying so hard that it comes through for me. I really am.

GIVEAWAY TIME

2010-03-30T03:00:00.003-04:00

yes folks, it's that time!!

My very first GIVEAWAY!!

Before I tell you what I am giving to one awesome reader, I am going to tell you what you have to do.

Since I am still new to blogging I want some feedback. I want some advice. I want some constructive criticism (please don't be mean, I just might cry). I feel like my blog is not where I want it to be. It's difficult because I am all over the place. I blog about kids, family, job, personal struggles, weight...etc, I think you get the picture.

So just leave a comment with some sort of advice, feedback or constructive criticism and you could be the one lucky winner of a $25 gift card to........................

ANYWHERE YOU FREAKIN WANT!!

And since I live in Ohio, make sure you pick a place that I could actually get a gift certificate to like: Target, Starbucks, Bath N Body, Old Navy, Gap, McDonald's, Red Robin, Olive Garden, Best Buy, Staples, Toys R Us, Gap, Auntie Ann's, Lens Crafters...I think you get the picture. Any where you want (as long as I can actually get it)

So comment away - contest ends Sunday April 11th!!!

(remember don't be too harsh)

Time is FLYING

2010-03-23T05:26:00.002-04:00

I cannot believe how quick things go. Emma is going to be 8 in a few weeks...the boys are 3 1/2 and 4 1/2....they will both be going to preschool next year and Emma will be in 3rd grade.

Just seems so crazy how fast time is going.

We have started moving into our new house and so far things are going good. We have some work to do, lots of wallpaper removal but we are up to the challenge.

We finally got done telling most everyone. Everyone else who we didn't personally tell is going to get an email next time they check with our new address. So I assume my phone will be ringing with a ton of questions. And we are ready. We probably won't get into to much detail but I am ready.

Matt and I really prayed long and hard about what to do and moving is the right choice for us. We had the option of staying and we had the money to make up all the back mortgage but moving was the right, responsible choice for us.

I know people are going to talk about us. About how we are immature and can't manage money but oh well. Let them talk. Everyone has problems and we ALL know that. I guess I am a little different. I don't hide my problems. Matt and I are very open about our life. That offends some friends and family, but oh well. I just have nothing to hide.

I spent years and years of my childhood hiding things and I found that it is best for me that I don't do that anymore. I need to talk, I need my closest friends and family to know what's going on and I don't care if that make them uncomfortable. I also would prefer that people talk to me if they want to know something. If you have questions or concerns, please talk to me, don't talk behind my back. I hate that with a passion. A few of my friends are really good about coming to me but there are 2 that LOVE to talk behind my back, but you know what....oh well.

That is my attitude - OH WELL. It happens. And I have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it.

Our losing our house has stirred up alot of talk and that's ok. It really is. Like I said, Matt and I have talked and prayed and we are ok with this decision. The decision did not come lightly or quickly. It took lots of uncomfortable conversations and lots of 3am phone calls.

We are good. Life is good. Sometimes you have to close the book rather then turn the page.

Giveaway Coming Soon!!

2010-03-17T03:24:00.004-04:00

I will be having my very first giveaway very very soon!! Watch for it!

Until then, I leave you with this picture!

This lovely jewel was found in Chase's ear 3 weeks ago. I took the boys in to the regular doc because they were both really sick and when the doc checked Chase's ear he suggested we go to the ENT because he had a "foreign object" stuck way down in his ear.

So we made the appt. at the ENT. The ENT gets his fancy goggle things and looks in his ear and sure enough there was something in there. The ENT even let me see!! It took awhile to get it out and I was getting kinda nervous because at one point the ENT said that he wasn't sure if he could get it and we might have to book an OR. I instantly got a nervous tummy! The jewel was located right on top of his ear drum and the ENT said it was blocking 100% of his hearing.

My poor baby!! The ENT was able to get it out but not without MAJOR screaming from Chase. We had to take him back in one week for a hearing test. The ENT was concerned because it was sitting right on top of the ear drum.

On the way home from getting the jewel removed, I was casually talking to Chase and he goes "Mommy, I can hear you now" - It made my heart break. I wish I had known that he shoved something in his ear. I could of helped him.

Later that night he said the same thing to Daddy, "Daddy, I can hear you now" It was awesome.

We took him for his hearing test last Tuesday and thankfully everything came out good. ENT dude said he has the normal allergy/sinus hearing loss but nothing significant. YEAH!!

So stayed tuned for the GIVEAWAY coming soon!

Untitled

2010-03-16T02:03:00.004-04:00

So we signed a lease on a new house!!

the house is amazing. It's so much bigger then our current house! It has a family room, living room, sun room, dining room, 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms and a very nice unfinished basement. The front yard and back yard are a nice size. It's in a kick ass neighborhood and has EXCELLENT schools!

Matt and I are super excited to be starting a new adventure! We have some work to do at the house (lots of lovely wallpaper) but we have the month of April to get the work done and we are going to move as much as we can before the big moving day May 1st. I figure we can get a lot done in a month. I took off April 5, 6, and 7 and we are going to bust out the wallpaper and hopefully the painting as well. Then we are going to start moving car load by car load, so hopefully come May 1st all we have is the stuff that couldn't fit in a car and then misc. items.

That's the plan anyways. Hopefully it all works out!

Did you check out my new blog design??? It's perfect. It's so pretty and fits me well. A big thank you to 2 Bird Designs. If you are looking to redesign your blog, she is definitely the one. It was so quick and painless and I am totally in love!

Cha Cha Cha Changes.....

2010-03-09T05:14:00.002-05:00

Things are changing....

Things are scary....

Things are going to get better....

After lots of talking, lots of lists, lots of tears, my husband and I have decided to let the bank take our house.

My husband filed bankruptcy in January and the house was included. We had the option to keep making monthly payments and keep it or stop making payments and forfeit the house. We decided to give it up.

There are many many reasons, too many to list here, but I will share a few. We are not financially stable right now. If something were to break or whatever, we would not have the funds to fix it. We cannot borrow the money from anybody so that is not an option. And I am talking about like if the kids were playing basketball and the ball went through a window...we would not have the $250 for a new window (and yes that's how much the very cheapest window is, the kids just broke 2 windows last July and it cost $510. Those were the $179 windows but with all the lovely add ins, it came to be $255 per window)

And what if the furnace goes (which it is getting ready), there are a lot of updates that need done and we are just not ready.

For those of you who know me, know that I have never wanted to own my own house. I was very content renting. Renting is awesome. Something breaks or something goes wrong, you just call the landlord. NOTHING out of pocket. Rent is like car insurance, if something goes wrong, the rent you have been paying for months and months comes in handy - the landlord takes care of almost anything that goes wrong or breaks.

My husband on the other hand wanted to own his own house by the age of 21. We pretty much picked the first house we saw. I was not happy from day one. I didn't like the layout, the flooring, the crappy work that the previous owners did, the back yard was the size of my hand and the lovely wood paneling EVERYWHERE. The fact that our mortgage payments started out at $925 and now they are $1161 - we just couldn't do it. After I got laid off last year and then came back, but I came back to .70 less per hour. My husband has a base wage and he makes commission, well commission has been waaaaaaayy down from what is has been. The cost of ALL our utilities has went up. We are paying almost $500 in gas to heat our home and part of that is because we have CRAPPY windows and a large bay window that you can feel the icy air come in (and yes, I have shopped around), the cost of gas for our cars and the cost of groceries. I am having a heck of a time trying to feel my family of 5 on $50 a week, and that includes toiletries. I dread when we are out of toilet paper or soap or shampoo because that comes out of the food money.

I can't say that I am not upset because I am. I feel like a failure and a loser. My husband probably feels worse because he knows he is the one who pressured me into this.

We are not telling our friends or family until we have signed a lease and out money down on a rental house. We plan on moving the first weekend in May.

We believe this is the best for our family right now. Matt and I believe that we deserve something better. We deserve to give our kids better. And if that means letting the bank take a house that we have paid over $30000 on in the past 3 years and our balance is more then the original loan because of late fees - then so be it.

We are going to be ok. My husband and I am going to be happy. Our kids are going to be happy.

(and if for some reason you know me in real life and you read this, please do not say anything to anybody until we annouce it first)

Be on the lookout....

2010-03-03T00:34:00.003-05:00

I am getting new blog design by Beth at 2 Bird Designs!! And I could not be more excited.

It took me a long time to decide if I wanted to invest the money into it but I thought long and hard and I am thinking I really want to keep blogging.

I love to write (even though I am not that good) It gives me a huge outlet. I can go on and on about whatever I want and no one is there to tell me to shut up.

It gives me a place to write down whatever crazy things that are keeping me up at night.

I have really fallen for blogging!

So be on the lookout for the new blog coming soon! And along with a new design, I am going to be doing my very first giveaway!! I want to show appreciation to my followers and maybe get a few more.

Puppies, Sunshine and Rainbows

2010-03-01T02:48:00.002-05:00

I thought the title might get your attention.

It seems I have been posting some pretty deep stuff lately and I maybe my few but awesome readers need a much deserved break.

So today is all about random things.

while sitting in bed with my husband the other day, the kids were playing in the living room and I heard Landon (my 4 year old) call Emma (almost 8) a "doo doo butt shit". It was the funniest thing I had heard all day. Emma of course told Landon he wasn't allowed to say that. Then she came in and told on him. So we called him in there and literally yelled at him from under the blankets because we were laughing and smiling. I know, I am such a mature parent.
Landon and Chase got haircuts - picture to come tomorrow in my Tuesday Random Cell Phone Picture post
Emma starts cheerleading again. She has practice for a whole week in March 530p-730p, then tryouts are Saturday March 20th. I know she will do great.
And it happens hubby Matt is working a car show that day so that's going to be interesting trying to do tryouts with all 3 kids. Last year was LONG. Her tryouts were at 2 and I didn't get home until almost 7pm - oh well.
Our vacation is officially booked - Virginia Beach here we come (well, in like 5 months)
For Emma's birthday I decided I am taking her and 2 friends to a paint your pottery place, I think they will really enjoy that.
I am going to my grandma's house tomorrow and I am buying her pizza

And that about wraps it up. I am sure I can spew more mindless words but I am tired and have a ton of stuff to do - see ya'll tomorrow

I just really need to write and get this all out of my head....

2010-02-26T01:18:00.002-05:00

Something really bad happened this week at work. I am going to blog about it because I need to get it out of my head and on the road to healing. One of the things that helps me heal is writing. I know I am not the best writer and all that jazz but it helps me. I am changing all the names (except mine) just in case someone I know is actually reading my blog. (Hi Pastor Brenda!!)

**Warning - Details may get graphic**

Wednesday approx 1215am

A client comes down and says Rachel cut her arms really bad and I need to go upstairs to the bathroom to take a look.

I still had another coworker here so she watched the phones while I went upstairs.

They would not let me in the bathroom. Rachel and another client Sally were in the bathroom.

I came down stairs and started to call my on call manager while co worker went up stairs to try and get in the bathroom.

Hung up with on call manager, resident Sally comes down bawling her eyes out and says "I should of told you yesterday, I'm sorry....her arms are cut really bad, I can see muscle, she needs to go to the ER"

I call my on call manager back who instructs me to call 911

I call 911 and they ask me like 800 questions and say they will be there shortly.

I went upstairs to get coworker out of the bathroom and asked her to come down stairs. Coworker was really shooken up at this point. I have not had the chance to see what actually happened.

As soon as EMS and police arrive at the shelter I take them upstairs where Rachel is still in the bathroom. I opened the door and Rachel is there with 3 other residents.

I see the bubbles, the bath water. I see the water is pinkish/ red. The bubbles around her breasts are pink with blood.

I calmly ask her to get out of the tub, get some clothes on and come down stairs. She pulls her arms out of the water and there is bloody water dripping off her arms. I see dozens and dozens of cuts on both arms. I see muscle coming out.

I must of been in work mode because I remember being so emotionless. I remember doing what I had to do for the Rachel and for the other residents.

After she got dressed, I helped get her downstairs to my office where the EMS asked her and I questions. They also wrapped her arms with bandages.

And off she went.

I remember I took some of the residents out for a cigarette and I smoked like 2 in a matter of minutes. I was still very detached. (My stomach is getting sick as I write this)

I called on call manager back and we talked about Rachel's kids, about clean up, about how me and co worker were doing. I was still detached.

About 20 minutes later on call manager called back and she asked if I needed her to come in..... I couldn't even talk. I was just bawling.

I kept going through these spurts of where I would clean for like 10 minutes then I would sit or stand and just zone out. It all felt like a dream - it still feels like a dream.

I remember having to put these blue latex gloves on and they smelled like cat pee. I had to strip her bed because there was blood over everything and I didn't want her kids waking up to the blood in the morning.

I remember my stinky blue gloves and the bleach spray and cleaning up the tub.

when on call manager arrived at the shelter my co worker and I were sitting in the hallway surrounded by the bloody linens and crying.

on call manager was a HUGE support for us. I am soooo glad she came in. While upstairs cleaning the bathroom and hallway carpet, the door rang. On call manager said it was the higher up manager. I answered phone (our door bell rings into our phone and you can talk over it) and it was Rachel. She was back.

Only after being gone for approx. 2 hours. she was back. She said the hospital did not see her as suicidal but she was only a cutter. They gave her pain meds and stapled her arm wounds. She walked in like everything was ok.

Then higher up manager arrived. On call and higher up managers both spoke with her for a while. Coworker and I finished cleaning up the mess.

After everyone had left or went to sleep, I didn't do anything. I went into the living room and watched TV. I was just so tired. My brain hurt.

I met with a counselor that specializes in PSTD (post traumatic stress disorder) today. My work provided this service to me and my coworker.

I told her how I haven't been able to sleep well, eat well, talk to anyone. I don't even feel like texting. I have been just laying in bed watching TV. The only person I have really talked are my coworker and the PSTD lady.

She assured me that all my feelings are very normal for someone who has witnessed trauma. She said even though Rachel supposedly didn't try and kill her self that what she had done and what we had witnessed was considered a traumatic incident.

She said I need to deal with the feelings and not push them down. When I see the images I need to see them then let them go out of head as easily as they came in. She told me not to fight it. To talk about it, to write about it. She said it would help with the healing process.

I feel crazy and confused right now. I still feel like I am having an out of body experience. I feel weird. My stomach still hurts and I can't sleep and I really want to drink.

I know I will get through this. I have a good support system. I have my husband and some friends at church who I know are big supporters. I just need to get through this. I have to work through all the feelings and emotions. I have to come out on top.

I have worked so hard to get to where I am now. I can't let this drag me down to that place.

(**post in long and poorly edited, sorry**)

Random Cell Phone Picture Tuesday

2010-02-23T02:15:00.008-05:00

I am starting a new Tuesday tradition for my blog. I am going to post on Tuesday's with the random cell phone pics that I have taken from the week. So let's get started......

This is the very large coffee mug my coworkers got for me while I was out sick. It fits a can of soup perfectly. I love it!

And here is Emma trying on her first pair of glasses ever. She was was so darn excited to get the glasses. At least now she will be able to read better and might move her grade from a B to an A in reading.

The huge snow mound in front of my house. Picture taken from the drive way.

Logan (my nephew) and Chase at my brother in laws birthday party. (I still find it weird to call him my brother in law since he just turned 6)

The lovely fence in my back yard. Yeah, we are gonna need to replace that as soon as the weather turns nice.

And last, my new hair cut. I actaully got it cut December 5th but it still looks like this.

Well, I hope everyone enjoyed the Random Cell Phone Pictures Tuesday!! Look for it again next Tuesday!!

Finally, a real post where you begin to to find out the real me

2010-02-19T03:01:00.002-05:00

I started smoking at age 9. I had a friend, her name was Kelly too, she smoked and I wanted so much to be like her. She told me to turn around and take a hit off a cigarette. I did. I coughed. The next few months I smoked, but didn't inhale. I was closer to age 10 when I began smoking for real.

I smoked pot and drank the summer in turned 12 (my bday is August 2nd) I remember that night so clearly, even though I was completely hammered. My mother was graduating from her DUI classes (I know, we are so classy) and she had bought a bottle of Firewater to celebrate. She was running late and her friends started to arrive. The one guy, I will call him Kevin, asked where my mom's alcohol was. I showed him. He opened it up and asked if I wanted a taste. Of course I wanted a taste. I was 12 and I wanted to be cool. I ended up drinking 3/4 the bottle. I was already in my room by the time my mom came home and Kevin had told my mom he was the one who drank the bottle. He was trying to keep me out of trouble. From then on it was a blur. I know I woke up the next morning sick as a dog. I ran to the bathroom to vomit only to find out I had soiled my pajama pants. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever done. My mom came in and found me cleaning up the vomit and feces, she was mad. She grounded me. 3 hours later I went to a friends house to spend the night. That's how groundings work at my house.

The next summer my mom went to jail for 2 weeks. She left us in the care of her boyfriend, who I will call Dave. Dave was 22 years old. I was 13. I remember joking with my mom once that he was closer to my age then her age.

I was at home waiting for a friend to spend the night. Dave had the music up really loud. (It wasn't all that uncommon at my house. It was a party house) Dave gave me a cigarette while I was waiting for my friend to show up. We were in my mom's room. He wanted me to come sit on his lap. I did. He wanted me to give him a kiss. I did. There is more but I am actually getting sick to my stomach so I am not going to write about the rest.

I remember months later telling my mom what happened. She hit me. Hard. My heels made an indent on the wall. I was nothing but a "stupid bitch" who was trying to ruin things between her and Dave. That is the day I realized I hated my mother. I was telling her the truth and all she cared about was her men and drugs.

There are many bits and pieces I am leaving out. It's so hard to pick what to write and what not to write. I could probably write a book about all the stories. Just to speed things up here's a condensed version of my mother. She is a drug addict. She smokes pot and pops pills. She has been in trouble with the law more times then I can count. Up above when she was in jail, she was in jail for giving alcohol to minors. Our house was a party house. At any given time we had 2-3 extra people living with us besides me, my brother and sister. We had a ton of male friends, some female friends, some gay friends (who I caught having sex with another man). There was always a flow of people daily in and out of our home.

My sister and I had to find a way to lock our bedroom door. My mom always had parties on school nights and random people would come in our room. Our room was across the hall from the bathroom, that prolly had something to do with it.

First year of middle school. I had just turned 12 that August. On October 12th, I had sex with an 18 year old boy. It was a one night stand. From that day on I was a whore. I had sex with anyone who asked. This lasted up until I married my first husband.

My sister says that she has blocked out alot of her childhood. I wish I could do the same. I remember alot of drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, sex and beatings. I was the oldest. I was always getting in trouble for something, always. I always get hit first and the worst. And then I would take it out on my sister and brother. I would beat them like my mom beat me. It was awful. I was the school bully when I wasn't having sex with everyone. I got in so many fights it was crazy. I hung out with the wrong crowds, I did alot of drugs. I was a mess. I can't believe I made it through highschool alive and with no STD's. I did get pregnant once. No one knows about it. Not even my current husband. I miscarried. I think I was somewhere around the 2 month mark.

Where's my father you ask?? Hmmmmm, good question. He popped in and out of our lives. He always has a problem with pill popping and alcohol. He has been to jail and prison so many times, I have lost count. Last time I saw him was September of 2007. He called me from the local homeless shelter and asked me to see him. I did. he still looked like my dad. He talked like my dad. But he wasn't. I listened to him talk about missing us and feeling guilty all these years for leaving us. He said he wanted to be there but just couldn't. And now he is in a program with the homeless shelter trying to get back on his feet. This man couldn't remember things about me. He kept getting me and my sister confused. But then he started talking about my mom. He recalled so much about when they were young and in love. I think he really did love her.

He called me while I was out Christmas shopping during the end of 2008. He was having a breakdown. He said he got a job and new clothes but then he looked down and he had his "homeless boots" on. He said he just wanted his life to end. I told him I had to go.

Last I heard, he had the state pull all his teeth out. They were all rotted and he was waiting on dentures.

I hope that when he dies someone will tell me. I do want to be there.

I did have a turning point in my life. It was June of 1999. I was 19 years old and having fun. I was surrounded with a decent group of friends. I had met the man that would be my first husband. But I was still acting a fool. I was drinking and doing drugs but not sleeping around so much.

That night in June I was out with 2 friends, Billy and Jimmy. It was time for me to go home so we hopped in Billy's truck and started to head home. We pulled on my street and the first thing we saw was lights, lots and lots of police lights. There was cops cars, patty wagons, an ambulance. We pulled in the drive way and I jumped out and rushed in the house. Cops were all over. My mom sitting in the dining room crying harder then I had ever seen her cry before. My sister and brother were no where to be found. I asked my mom what was going on. She replied "They found it". I asked her "found out", she replied "the stash".

My mom and her boyfriend, who I will call Brian, (her future husband), were growing pot in the basement (also where her bedroom was). Somehow the police got wind of it and came in and did a raid on the house. They destroyed the house. Every single room looked like a tornado hit it. The really got my room. My room had the attic. The attic is good for drying out pot. My mom and her boyfriend went to jail but were soon released. The police threatened to take my sister and brother away since they were still minors. They were 16. The police threatened to arrest me since I lived there and knew about them growing in the basement. I begged and pleaded and lied to the police about everything. I told them I knew nothing and I was barely home and blah blah blah. Thankfully they bought it. I was ok.

That night changed everything for me. I did not want to end up a drug addict like her. I did not want to have 3 kids living in a hell hole like that. I wanted better.

And now I am almost 30 years old (less then 6 months!!) and I can say that I am finally there. I am finally ok. I am seriously ok. I do not have a relationship with my mother or father, but I do have people in my life that I call family. I have a great husband, children, church and a job that I love.

Speaking of my job...I am so thankful I am finally able to give back. I am finally able to help others that are going through domestic violence or sexual abuse. Each and every single person who walks through these shelter doors is someone really special to me. I can connect with every person. I can feel there pain and be here to cry on.

Without all the events that led up to my life now, I would not be able to be here to give these women and children the support they need. Everything that has happened in my life has been for a reason. It has taken me many years to sort everything out but now I know why. God was not punishing me. God was forming me into who he wanted me to be. Although most of my decisions took me from his path but now I am on track. I am on my little wobbly bike, riding to something great. And I will get there, I will. I know I will. I am doing it for my family. I want them to know the happiness and peace that can come out of all this.

Sorry for the extremely long post tonight but I really had to get somethings out and get them out of my head. I wanted someone to listen. I just wanted to talk and it is still hard for me to talk to people IRL about this. I wrote most of this post crying. Not even sure why. Somethings just really tugged on my emotions. Somethings still hurt. But I am going to be just fine. I have a new life and I have hope.

Let go, Let God.

Time to Vent!!!!

2010-02-19T00:36:00.002-05:00

I am sooooo upset right now I can't even type right!! I am using the backspace like every other letter!!

Someone broke in my car AGAIN!! Who freakin breaks in a car between the hours of 830pm-1130pm??? Seriously????

I took the kiddos to McDonalds for dinner. I had my work bag on the front passenger seat. When I got to McDonalds, I searched all over for my wallet, then I realized I left it in my work bag. I reached in and got it and went in to McDonalds. We ate, came back out, went home. Got home around 830pm.

I came out for work at 1130pm and went to go put some papers into my BRAND NEW WORK BAG and quickly realized it wasn't there. I tore the car apart looking for it. I even went back inside to make sure I didn't take it in even though I knew I didn't. Because after McDonalds, we pulled in and I had to carry my Frappe in and look for Chase's missing stupid Happy Meal toy, so I know I didn't take it in because I couldn't at that point!!!!!!

So yep, all my work papers (not really important), my CHECKBOOK, my day planner, my silverware ( I take my own to work), pens, paper, MY WORK KEYS!!!! I work at the domestic violence shelter and my keys were all labeled, even the front door key. I am sooooo screwed. Out location is supposed to be private but there are people who know where the shelter is. I am sooooo nervous about those keys. And tomorrow when I tell the bog boss I know my ass is grass.

There was some other stuff in there but I can't think if it right now. My brain is just going a million miles a minute.

I have already decided to make a sign for the front yard, which I will edit this post tomorrow and add it. It's going to say something like "Thank you for stealing from this middle class family of 5 - AGAIN!! It's really making our day" Any other suggestions will be appreciated. And I am seriously doing it. That is after I go to the bank and put a stop on on my checks.

L.I.B. Weight Week ????

2010-02-18T03:09:00.002-05:00

OK, so I have seriously lost track of what week I am supposed to be posting for. This is supposed to be for Monday, but, yeah, kinda behind on that. I have had alot going on this week and whatever, I just didn't feel like posting. (That reminds me, I should get a real post out here soon)

Ok, so here it is...............................231lbs!!!!!!!!!!!

Can you freakin believe it???

I have been doing sooooooo good!! Well, getting really sick helped quite a bit!

I am only 11 lbs from my first goal!!!

Nope, I didn't die

2010-02-10T07:30:00.004-05:00

I know I have been absent from my blog here but I have good reason, and if you read my blog, you already know.

I was diagnosed last Wednesday with walking pneumonia. It is awful. I am just now feeling better. I actaully went to work.

It's been a long week on laying in bed. My hips hurt, my back hurts and my head hurts. A person can only lay in bed for so long.

I will be back with some L.I.B. updates as soon as I able to walk to the scale without falling asleep.

Pity Party for me

2010-02-04T02:36:00.002-05:00

I am about to have a pity party for myself. So now is your time to leave if you don't want to hear someone go on and on about feeling sorry for herself.

I went to the doctor today. After lots of examination and a chest xray, I was given the diagnoses of walking pneumonia. He also gave me prescriptions for antibiotics and an inhaler. That's not the whiney part.

Whiney part - after paying my co pay, I realized that I have no money to get my prescriptions filled. NONE. I am the only one to blame for my poor money management. It just really sucks that I can't even afford to get my stinking prescriptions paid for. I feel like a complete LOSER. I am sick as anything and I am going to continue to be sick until Friday when I can fill those suckers. So I sit here typing, sick as a dog feeling sorry for myself because I suck at money management and have no money to get my medicine.

Then (here comes the better part), after balancing my checkbook, I realized that I didn't even have enough money for a co pay. I only had $30 and some odd cents in my account and had to write a check for $35. So if your any good at math, that will tell you I am going to overdraft my account. YEAH!! A $34 fee on top of everything. So now I am sick with no meds and probably going to get an overdraft fee. I ROCK!

More whiney part - And the last 2 weeks, I have felt myself going down. I mean I am headed for another depression. I feel my body and mind shutting down. I feel myself eating out of control, pulling away from people and not wanting to do anything.

This happens alot but they were getting farther apart. I guess not anymore.

I wish I could control it but I can't. I barely have enough money for bills, gas, and groceries. There is no way I can add doctor copays and prescriptions every month. Just not gonna happen. Trust me. We don't have ANY credit cards and we have to pay for everything we have with the cash we have. I do feel blessed that we are able to pay all the bills and put food on our table with just the money we make at our jobs, but it's not enough. It's not enough to buy toiletries, it's not enough to go to the doctor when we need to. It's not enough to do fun things with the kids. It's just not enough.

I am just a bag full of emotions and most of them not good. I have a cup half empty look on life right now. Poor me, nothing can go my way. That's what I am feeling.

I am not looking for someone to tell me it's gonna be alright, I am not looking for people to yell at me. I am looking for someone to tell me they know how I feel, they have been there. They are living that life. I just want to know that I am not alone. Because I feel alone.

I feel that my friends and family have there lives together and there's poor Kelly, still trying to get her act together. I feel like people sit around and talk about what a horrible, lazy person I am. "Look at Kelly, she's having money problems yet again and by the way, do you see what a horrible mom she is?" That is seriously what I think is happening. I am not even joking.

I know I am probably out of my mind but that's ok, because here's the difference between me and other crazy people. I admit it. I admit I am messed up and need help. I admit I have mental issues. I admit I am bad with money management. I admit I am not the World's Best Mom. I admit all this stuff. But on the flip side, once I admit it to myself it takes me to a dark depressing place where I feel like everyone else sees all this.

It sucks.

Can someone explain please?

2010-01-29T04:48:00.002-05:00

Can someone please explain all this bloggy hate?

I read 101 blogs and so many of them are into putting other bloggers down. I mean, they really hate on them. These women are so competitive. It kinda scares me.

I thought a purpose of a blog was to write your thoughts, your feelings, write about your day. I thought is was supposed to be picture of who you really are without having to hide any of your faults.

I read these blogs and I actually feel sorry for the writers and for the people they are writing about. They can be very harsh. And then on top of that, I follow a lot of them on Twitter and the bashing usually continues over there.

Here's the thing, if you don't like what I have to say, delete me. If I don't like something I read or if I disagree with someone view on their blog; you know what I do........NOTHING. I don't comment, I don't hate, I just click the X and move on to the next blog.

I am slowly finding out how much competition there is out there for blogs. I just really don't understand it all right now. Maybe after being in the game a little longer, I'll figure it out a little more.

I just can't get over the hate I read. There is 2 blogs that I have in mind right now and they get some of the worst hate I have ever read. Other bloggers calling them every name in the book, hoping they would die, calling them bad mothers/people. I just don't get it.

I know I haven't opened up too much on here, but I will. I hate admitting my flaws. But I know if I can open up and get them out there, I am going to find people who are just like me and I will probably find people who are going to leave nasty comments because I call my kids "assholes" sometimes. (well, sometimes they are being assholes and that is the only word I can think of to describe them at that moment in time and I never call them assholes to there face)

I just wish people could get back to the basics. If you have nothing nice to say, do not say anything at all

L.I.B. Weigh In Week 3

2010-01-26T03:17:00.002-05:00

Be prepared for some disappointment folks....

That's right, I gained weight.

I do not have a picture but I will tell you, it's not pretty. I gained like 3 lbs and some odd oz. So I am back up to 241 and some oz.

Okay, so maybe 2 days worth of Olive Garden and all the desserts I have been eating and the pizza or the Taco Bell. Those were prolly not the best ideas.

I messed up, I admit it.

I am just going to have to work harder and smarter (right after I eat this cupcake......hahaha)

No seriously, I just have to refocus and get back on track. I can do it and I will do it.

Please be gentle with your comments, I am a cry baby.

L.I.B. Week 2 Weigh In

2010-01-20T02:22:00.002-05:00

I am going to be up front, I don't have a picture to show you this week. Why, you ask, cause my scale is on drugs. It kept making up funny stuff and making me think I was the crazy one.

Sunday I stepped on the scale, it said 238.3, I was all like YEAH!! So I went to grab the camera, stepped back on it and it said 246.7!! Ummm, how could getting off the scale for 30 seconds make me gain 8lbs???

Monday I tried it again. I got on the scale and it said 238.0 and again, I was all like YEAH!! So again, I went to grab the camera and then I got back on the scale and AGAIN it added pounds! It said 244.2 - ummm NO.

I am thinking I am somewhere in the low 238lbs.

Next week I am going to take my camera with me the FIRST time I step on the scale.

oh, and by the way, I haven't seen anything below 240lbs on my scale in well over a year and a half, so I am feeling pretty good. I even went out and celebrated with a McFlurry tonight.

yes, it is packed full of dairy, fat and sugar and yes I am feeling really sick right now and yes I am going to work my tush off the next few days.

I had a craving and I gave in - someone slap me on the hands and tell me I have been a bad girl.

I am going to continue to improve the foods I am eating. I am going to take in more water and I am going to start exercising. I know, I know, I should of been working out the past two weeks but I am sooooo lazy and then life got in the way and the kids were crazy and I was tired.....etc. Shall I keep going with the LAME excuses??? I really don't have a good excuse but this week I am changing that, promise.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to work and do something other then think about chocolate cake.....

Divorce Day a.k.a Worst Day of My Life

2010-01-15T04:30:00.000-05:00

I wasn't sure if I would ever right a post about this but I want to get it out there. I want everyone to know what my divorce was like.

Tim and I met January of 1999. We got married April 2000. Emma came along April 2002 and that's when the big issues started.

We were young, we weren't ready for Emma. We fought. Emma slept with us till she was 14 months. That sure didn't help things in the bed room.

Tim and I separated February 2004. I moved out in March. I got an apartment right above Tim's cousin B and his wife R. BIG MISTAKE.

We were in counseling to help things but Tim had another plan.

Tim would come visit Emma then go down stairs and visit B and R. Pretty soon he was visiting R even when B wasn't home.

I will make a VERY long story short. We filed for divorce in June 2004, our court date was August 5, 2004. R was pregnant with Tim's child by then. So needless to say, B and R got divorced too.

I might want to add that R was one of my best friends. We had been in the same family for years and grew very close. But that's a whole other post.

So D Day came. Our court appointment was at 11:30am. I got up, showered, got ready, put on a nice suit and drove to the courthouse. Tim shows up in his work clothes telling me he just took his lunch break "to get this done".

We were called in and I don't remember a whole lot but I remember standing there bawling my eyes out. It was so hard to believe that this was actually happening. I remember the judge asking me if I was ok enough to do this and I replied "yes" in a low sobbing voice.

The judge asked us about 10 or so questions. He then told us the divorce had been granted and to "have a nice day".

I cried so much. I cried all the way out. Tim did walk me to my car and I cried there. i sat in my car and cried and cried. I wished I had someone there with me, anyone, just someone to hug me and tell me my life is better this way.

As I was driving home all I felt thinking about is all the pain and how much better I would feel if I just drove into a tree or off a bridge.

To this day I have no idea how I made it home to my empty apartment. The next few days the emptiness ate me alive.

It was over. The end. Our family was gone. We were no longer Tim, Kelly and Emma. It was now Kelly and Emma. That was the hardest part was letting go of my family. Things were forever changed. My MIL was not my MIL she was my ex MIL and same for my FIL. It was absolutely crushing to realize all this. I loved all these people. I wanted them in my life and they were all gone. Everything was gone. And he already had someone new and a baby on the way. He had already moved on and was ready for a new life.

I fell into a black hole of alcohol and bad relationships. I did find one relationship and we made it work. He was very supportive of my situation and we worked through my feelings together and now he has been my husband for the past almost 5 years. Yes, I got married very quickly after my divorce. I married May 28, 2005.

I have many reasons, non of them good. I should not have married so quickly but my heart was sad and lonely. I felt like I needed someone to hold me. Someone to go with me to the grocery store. Someone to spend the holidays with. Dumb reasons to everyone else but very really reasons to me.

I am surprised that we made it. I was not even close to healing when we got involved but he was a true gentleman and he helped me heal.

Although I know I would not have healed without the number one healer, God. I became involved in a program at my church, Divorce Care. It was an amazing program. I got to go to class each week with people in my situation. Other people who needed to heal. Without my bible I would of never made it. Since then, I have had tough times but I know the one person I can always look to for support is God. He IS the number one healer.

He has directed me to be a leader in the Divorce Care 4 Kids class. I have been teaching this class for almost 2 1/2 years. And now I think he is changing my direction. It seems like there is an opportunity to teach the adult Divorce Care. I think the men and women in this class could benefit from all I have went through and learned and everything I have been taught at my job as a Crisis Intervention Specialist and Youth Advocate at the Battered Women's Shelter.

I thank God EVERY DAY of my life for everything he has given me. I am so lucky to be a part of his creation. I am lucky for my husband, kids and family. The list could go on and on.......

L.I.B. Week One Weigh In

2010-01-13T09:13:00.004-05:00

Okay so I totally know it's Wednesday, sorry bout that.

My picture came from Monday but I had a bad few days and didn't have time to post. I hate having those depressed days where you don't even feel like getting out of bed.

So this week, I did pretty bad I didn't eat like a I supposed to and I did not exercise like I should of, but in the end I did lose almost 2lbs. 2lbs is 2lbs - just glad at this point I didn't gain.

And I know this is an excuse but my 'monthly visitor" was here and that's where all the carb cravings were coming from. It took me awhile to figure this one out since my uterus is all burned out and stuff. As soon as I got some pimples, I knew it was that time of the month. The past day or so my cravings have went away and I am feeling normal again.

Goals for this week (which we are already a few days into)

Drink More Water

Take clear broth soups to work to eat

cereal or oatmeal to work for breakfast

watch portions

back off carbs

try some exercise this week

Okay folks, that's it. 2lbs is 2 lbs - wish it was more but there is always next week to put everyone to shame

Tomorrow, I Promise

2010-01-12T01:53:00.001-05:00

Today was a pretty bad day - not ready to share details, but needless to say, I didn't get on the scale and take my picture.

As soon as I wake up tomorrow I am taking my picture and posting an update!

Help!! The CARBS are attacking me!!!

2010-01-08T03:34:00.003-05:00

Since Monday I have cut A LOT of carbs out of my diet. I am reading labels and all that jazz.

MY BODY IS GOING INTO SHOCK!!

It feels like if I don't eat a cupcake, I might actually die.

I know my body does not process sugar well so I am trying SOOOOOOOO hard to step away and eat healthy carbs.

But I am not kidding you when I say I could probably kill or steal for a piece of chocolate cake with chocolate icing. NO JOKE.

I really do not want to give in to this craving because I am the girl with no will power. I will not stop at a small piece of cake or just one cupcake. I will eat the whole darn thing. I will eat until I am physically ill (kinda how I got here in the first place)

I have an overeating problem. I never eat anything in moderation. It is something that I struggle EVERY day and I am slowly learning how to control.

BUT, how do I get rid of this without going insane??????

Also, unrelated to the carb thing, I am pretty sure I am lactose intolerant. How can I get all the nutrition that I would be getting from milk, cheese and yogurt? What are other foods I can eat or drink. I have never been diagnosed but hubby and I after trial and (major) error pretty much figured out that I must have an issue with dairy products.

And to be honest I am not sure if it's the lactose. My 3rd child is allergic to the cow protein, so that might be it too.

I need some ideas for the whole dairy thing and maybe some more suggestions about the CAKE thing.

Thanks guys!!

Let's get ready to RUMBLE!!

2010-01-05T03:43:00.003-05:00

SO I am participating in the this little weight loss challenge hosted by ZGirl and Dual Mom.

And because I am a slacker, I got off to a late start - oops. So I guess this is the post where I lay it all out on the table. I know I have some IRL people who read this, I am asking that you please don't repeat my actual weight to people. I mean you can surely lie and say "oh, Kelly, she weighs about 150lbs" because that would be super sweet if you would lie for me. I know lying in wrong but come on, please. Pretty please??

Anyways, back to putting in aaallllll out there.

And again, because I am a slacker I did not take a picture of my scale this week. But I have an excuse. My hubby was sitting there and I did not want him to grab the camera and look at the picture because then he would know what I actually weigh. But I pinky swear I am being totally honest and I will have a picture next week.

Weigh In January 4, 2010 = 244.8 (ummmm, wow, that number needs to come down)

Goals = 200lbs by August 1st, 2010. But I know that is a lot and I am taking it 5 lbs at a time.

180lbs by December 31st, 2010 - Again, I know a big goal, but I really think I can do this.

My amazing cousin Lorraine who owns Pro Fitness Camp, gave me so many tools to help me get through this. I have let her down in the past but this time is different. She has spent a lot of time helping me and I owe her this. I owe her at least 35lbs.

Lorraine offers online Personal Training. It's very intense and there is a lot of questions and some forms, but I will tell you what in the end, it is sooooo worth it. I learned a lot about my body and how it processes foods. I learned why foods work for my body and what foods I should avoid.

Of course I didn't want to believe her, so I stuck to the plan for a good 2 months. After that I would fall off every now and then and now I am pretty much back to old habits. Let me tell you, I have never felt worse. My body felt so good sticking to what she told me to eat so when I resorted back to eating sugar, carbs and fat, my body suffered big time.

Anyone who wants to try her out please click on the link above. She is very affordable and has so much knowledge. She also has blog if you want to check her out. She needs some bloggy love!!

Anyways that was kind of a public apology to Lorraine for not keeping with my plan that she worked so hard on and a public pinky swear that I am going back on and going to work very hard.

So here is what I plan to do to make it to my goals.

stick to nutrition plan: low carbs, high protein, high healthy fat
water: min. of 64 oz a day
decaf coffee with non dairy creamer and splenda
limit pop, only every now and then
stick with exercise plan from Lorraine (starts Tuesday)
also I am not going to deprive my self. If I am absolutely craving something I am going to eat it. I am going to eat it in moderation. I am not going to make this an everyday habit.

I am sure I will have more in my next post, but it's 4:05am and I really have to get back to work.

2000-2009 Wrap Up

2009-12-31T02:11:00.003-05:00

This last decade has been a decade of learning, growing, teaching and all the good and bad stuff that comes with life. So let me take you on a little journey of the past 10 years of my life. (I promise it won't be too long, just grab a cup of coffee (or Pepsi) and have a seat)

2000 - In April I got married, gained a new family and spent WAY TOO MUCH MONEY!

2001 - My grandpa passed away in May. One of the worst days in my life. The only good thing that came from that is all my family from everywhere came home to Ohio and all the cousins and husbands and wives got together for a party and we all had the time of our life. It is one night I will never forget. I felt like I really got to know a lot of my family. I have so many special memories of that night and that whole weekend. I could write on and on about it but I won't. I'll save that for another post.

Also found out in late summer of 2001 that I was pregnant. YEAH!!

2002 - My baby Emma was born April 18th, 7lbs, 8oz, 21 inches long, 9:36am. My grandma was the first person to hold her (besides the parents) and I will always cherish that.

2003 - First really vacation - Myrtle Beach with some very awesome friends

2004 - Separated and divorced husband from above. I am not going into details because I don't think it's appropriate to put all details out there. But having a few close friends and my church really helped me get through all of this.

Also met a wonderful man, Matt (more on him later)

2005 - Big YEAR! Got married (again) and gave birth to Landon 8lbs, 2oz, 21 inches long, 5:39pm, November 29

2006 - And here comes baby number 3, November 6th, Chase, 8lbs, 7oz, 21 inches long, 3:36pm

2007 - Bought our first home!!! Baby brother got married!! Took a family vacation to Virginia Beach with my hubby's brother and sister in law

2008 - what a long difficult year. lost jobs and lots of money problems

2009 - recovered from previous year and everything is going grand, looking forward to the next 10 years!

January 2, 2010 - New Beginning

2009-12-29T02:08:00.004-05:00

My life is going to start changing January 2nd. I am taking my diet and exercise plan to a whole new level.

I am going to master the weight loss thing once and for all. You can start calling me Princess Kelly anytime you want.

I got the hook up through Mad Woman about this amazing group of bloggers who are going to come together and lose some weight. You can check out Dual Mom or ZGirl for all the details and to sign up and grab a button.

I am finally ready to shed all these extra pounds. I am talking alot of poundage here. Like a big 80 of them. I know I won't be able to lose it all like in a week, but it's going to be a process. I WILL LOOK DECENT AT THE BEACH THIS SUMMER.

I am going to take the things that I have learned from Pro Fitness Camp owner, Lorraine, and I am going to do all the things I should of been doing for like months now.

Look for my updates every Wednesday and feel free to drop by and show some love.

Merry Christmas

2009-12-25T06:28:00.002-05:00

Another Day, Another Ramdom Thought

2009-12-24T06:56:00.002-05:00

Chase comes up to me yesterday and says "when I close my eyes, it gets dark" Wow, you would of thought a 3 year old would know that by now

Christmas is ready to go at my house, all presents are done, cookies are made and the kids have all had baths. I am so ahead of the game.

I am VERY excited to be working at the shelter on Christmas morning. It's not even really about the money, I am just really excited to see the kids here open gifts!

Matt's birthday went well. He got lots of clothes - haha for him.

Chase is hitting the terrible 3's. Lord give me strength.

Landon has now begun using the word duh. He will answer a question and end it with "duh".

As I am typing this my stomach is hurting really bad. I am hoping it was the fiber bar and popcorn I had. There has been a stomach bug going around the shelter and if I get it now, it would just be really bad timing.

Knock on wood, but ALL my kids might be healthy for the first Christmas in 4 years!!!

And that is about it TTYL!

another Debbie Downer post...... (last one for awhile, I promise)

2009-12-18T01:50:00.000-05:00

I had a meeting with my pastor a few weeks ago about some of the issues I have been having lately and it really helped.She opened my eyes to thoughts I didn't even know I had.I've also come to realize a few things on my own.I think one reason why I cannot choose not to forgive my mom and dad for all the physical, emotional and sexual abuse is because once I do forgive them, and then I will have nothing. I will have no emotional connection to these people. I will be blank and empty. I think I am holding on to the anger and hurt as a way to still be connected with them. I will do this but I am just not ready.

Lately a few people in my life have told me to “get over it”, “move on”, “not that big of a deal, it happened so long ago”. Those are words that I truly hate to hear. I hate them. I would never tell the women and children that I work with to “get over it”. Physical, emotional and sexual abuse is something you just don’t “get over”. It is a healing process and everyday is a learning experience for me. Since working at the Battered Women’s Shelter it has brought out new feelings and heartache for me. It has made me face some hurts and fears that I have pushed so deep down inside. Everyday it seems like new things are surfacing. Some days it hurts so bad to think about my past. Some days I feel like I HATE my mom and dad. I feel like I hate the rest of my family for not helping me and my siblings. I hate Children Services for never doing anything every time I called. And some days I am ok. Some days I can be normal and I can have normal conversations with my mom and family.

My family and friends and even my siblings do not understand what I went through. My siblings went through there own ordeals and have dealt with them. I was the oldest, I got everything the worst. I got in trouble for my brother and sister getting in trouble. I got in trouble for the house not being clean, laundry not being done, my sister and brother fighting, me fighting with them. Everything. And it still affects me to this day.

I have to be aware everyday of how I parent. I have to be sure and not blame Emma for something that Landon or Chase did. I have to make sure and punish the boys on somewhat a same level as Emma. I never want Emma to come to me accusing me of treating her worse then her siblings. This is a daily thing for me. I have to try and refrain from having Emma do “everything” for me. “Emma, go get your brothers jammies, Emma get them a drink, Emma, get them a snack, Emma turn the bathroom light on for Chase, Emma, turn my light off, Emma, shut my door” I could go on and on. I need to daily put my self in check.

The sexual abuse still haunts me to this day. For those of you who don’t want to read this, I am now going to be talking about my sex life, so you may want to stop reading.
I am dealing with the effects from the sexual abuse EVERY DAY.
It happened when I was 11-12 with my mom’s boyfriend at the time. I am not going into details but I still remember everything.
Pastor Brenda pointed out a few things about this that I would like to share. I spent my entire like searching for affection and acceptation. I had sex at the age of 12 with an 18 year old boy because I was looking for affection. I spent the next 8 years sleeping with any boy who looked at me. Never really finding the satisfaction that I was looking for. I was a constant cheater. If I had a boyfriend for an extended amount of time, you can probably bet that I cheated on him, you know, before he cheats on me, because I was sure that’s what was going to happen. So I was going to hurt him before he could hurt me. Then the guy would find out and dump me, leaving me crushed and waiting for the next boy to put me back together. When I was 18 I found Tim. He was a great guy. We hit it off, moved into together and decided to get married. As soon as we got married, the sex stopped. Turns out it’s very typical with sexual abuse victims, that once they do find them selves in a committed relationship, they tend to pull back. The chase is over. There is nothing left to go after. And I know this played a huge part in my divorce from him. I am not saying it was 100% my fault but this definitely played a part.
After my divorce I continued my sleeping around because that’s what I am good at.
I found another man, Matt. He is the most amazing person I have ever met. He treats me very well, he is the best dad any kid could ask for but yet I don’t want him to touch me. I don’t want hugs, kisses, butt taps, boob brushes, sex, nothing. I literally cringe when I have to kiss him good bye in the morning sometimes.

And because of Pastor Brenda, I realize this. I have sat Matt down and talked to him about it. I told him my true and raw feelings. And now I am in a healing process so I can once again be intimate with my husband.

So I guess this whole post was about, if you know me, don’t tell me to “get over it” unless you have walked a day in my shoes. I am truly happy for those of you who can overcome issues in good time. I wish I could be like you. I have so much emotional baggage that it takes me a little longer. I am on the road but it looks like a long twisty road. I will make it but it takes time.

I am going to go through a program at church called “Freedom through Christ”. The title pretty much describes it all. After the holidays I am going to make my appt. I didn’t think it was fair to my husband and kids if I take on a big emotional task right now.

I am going to make it through all of this. I know I am. I have the love of God, my husband, my children and the few people around me who have always been there. And that’s all I need.

Random Thoughts

2009-12-16T07:05:00.003-05:00

I finished all my Christmas shopping and I have 4 presents left to wrap!!
Looking for boots for Landon and Chase was almost impossible. It was so hard to find a decent pair at a decent price. I finally logged on to www.kmart.com and found a buy one get one half off and 20% off entire order with $1.98 shipping. I got each pair 2 sizes to big so hopefully they can use them next year too.
I have lots of baking to do the next few days. Tonight I have a party at church for the class I teach and I have to make cupcakes, Thursday is a staff meeting / Christmas party and of course I opened my big mouth and said I would bring brownies and beer bread with some kind of dip. Sunday is Matt's birthday party and he wants cherry crumb pie and manicotti. Tuesday is Landon's party at school and again opened big mouth and said I would bring the Happy Birthday Jesus cake. Tuesday we are making our sugar cutouts for Santa. Like I said, lots of baking.
A friend of mine had her twin baby boys on Monday!!! And I could not be more excited. She will be receiving some of my famous manicotti on Saturday.
Trying to figure out how to stretch our last $100 into groceries for us to eat and all the above mentioned items for baking and Matt's birthday, oh and it needs to really stretch for gas in my car. This one is going to take lots of praying.
Getting nervous about Christmas. I picked up to work Christmas morning here at the shelter. Midnight to 8am. I really wanted to be here to watch the moms and kids here open gifts and spend some time with them, on the other hand I am trying to figure how Christmas Eve is going to go and Christmas morning. We have service at 7pm, then home, jammies, a Christmas cartoon and put them to bed, then when we know they are asleep Matt and I have to get all the presents out and stuff the stockings and put together the air hockey table, then at 1130pm, I have to leave for work. I think I am going to wear my Christmas jammies to work (save a step in the morning), then after I get off at 8am, race home, sneak in, hop in bed and wait for the kids to wake up. I am just nervous they will get up before I get home and I really want to take pictures of them as soon as they wake up. Oh well, I think it's worth it getting to spend time here at work with the clients and the kids.
My diet is not going well the past 2 weeks. All I have done is sleep and eat. And I am not really sticking to the diet so well. At times I am, then others not so much. And as for the exercise program, I haven't done that in two weeks. I need to suck it up, make a commitment to start doing it again ASAP. I cannot fail this. I have already gained a few pounds back and I have failed to meet my Christmas goal. I should of been able to meet the goal had a worked really hard and stuck to everything 100%. So I am making a new goal and I am making the commitment to stick to it no matter what. I want to be proud of my self this summer and I don't want Landon saying he likes to lay on me because I'm squishy.
Okay well, that about does it for now. Just some things that are floating through my brain. Till next time!!

Landon's Birthday

2009-12-08T07:33:00.006-05:00

It was a tough pregnancy for me. My pelvis split, smyphsis separation, during my 4th month. It was awful pain all the time. And lots and lots of pressure, it kinda sucked.

Other then that, the pregnancy was normal and fine. I ate lots of frozen fruit and mozzarella sticks, the fried ones of course.

They had me scheduled for induction on November 30th. He was due December 6th but because of my pelvis issues they wanted me in and ready to go.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving which I believe would of been the 27th, my hubby and I went out for one last meal before Landon arrived. We decided to go to Roadhouse Steakhouse because at this point me and beef were best friends.

And of course I ordered chicken, cause it was smothered with cheese and bacon.

And that's when it happened. Hubby and I both got food poisoning. We didn't know until Sunday morning. He called off work and we were in bed all day and all night. Towards late Sunday evening, he was feeling better but my tummy still hurt pretty bad.

About 11pm, my tummy really bad. I was contracting really hard and they were coming fast. I woke up Matt and told him we need to go NOW. Of course I had nothing set up for Emma since we weren't supposed to be going in for one more day. So I had to call my grandma at 11pm at night ( I knew she would be up cause she watched the 11pm news) and we had to run her over there, no coat, no shoes, I am such a horrible mom. She slept through it all.

So we get to the hospital and they check me, I was a 3 to 3 1/2, so they said I was not in active labor. Once they hooked me up to the monitors it was pretty clear I was and I told them about the potential food poisoning. They said the only way to know for sure was to test my number 2, so we did and of course it came back as food poisoning. Stupid Roadhouse (haven't ate there since)

So once they gave me 5 bags of fluids and some good make me feel better drugs, my labor pretty much stopped. The doctors went back and forth and whether they were going to keep me or send me home and make me come back tomorrow. I swear they discussed this for like 2 hours!!

Finally at 11am, they came in and told me they were going to break my water and get things going.

Blah, blah, blah, going through labor and all that fun stuff. And I am so not going to get into how they tried the epidural 5 times and it never worked!!! (after he was born went to the doc and found out I have scoliosis in my lower back)

So at 3:15pm, doctor comes in and says it's time. Doesn't even check me, they just start getting ready. They must of known from watching the monitors cause when he was all ready he pulled the sheet up and there was my sons head.

I pushed a few times, my husband touched my foot and I about killed him, but after a few times of pushing and breathing, Landon Alexander came into this world.

3:39pm, 8lbs, 2 oz, 21 inches long, November 29th, 2005

Happy 4th Birthday Baby Boy!!

Many Sleepless Days.....

2009-12-01T03:27:00.003-05:00

Yes, I was the nutso out on Black Friday shopping after like 3 days of no sleep.

I work 3rd shift (midnight to 8am) I try to sleep from like 9am-5pm, then get up and spend time with the kiddos.

So Wednesday (day before Thanksgiving) I seriously get like 5 hours of sleep. I didn't fall asleep until like 3pm and my hubby got me up at 8ish pm. So I go into work and work, and I worked Thanksgiving because 1. it's 12a to 8am, who does anything then, 2. we are eating at my grandma's at 3pm which gives me plenty of time to go home and sleep until 2pm.

So I get off work Thanksgiving at 8am and decide to head to KMart (gotta start Black Friday shopping early!!), I get home at like 9am and decide to stay awake. We head to my mothers for breakfast (we do it every year, since we all are so busy my mom makes breakfast about 930am every Thanksgiving)

Okay, so blah, blah, blah the rest of the Thanksgiving happens, we eat turkey, mashed potatoes and all that great stuff. May I point out that this young lady DID NOT have any dessert!! I am taking my diet pretty seriously!! YEAH ME!!

We get home around 730pm and I decide it's time to take a nap before shopping. I finally fall asleep around 930pm cause you know I had to catch up on my Season 4 of Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders!!

And up at 145am!!

Pick up BFF at 220am

Start at Old Navy at 245am

Sears - 4am

Dunkin Donuts - 530

Kmart - 6am (this was the most insane store, come one people, it's Kmart, not Toys R Us)

Staples - 645am
Target - 7am

Kolh's - 745am

Denny's - 8am

Back home at 945am and that's when BFF calls and said she forgot her bread new camera in the back of my car, thank goodness she offered to come over and pick it up

Kmart - 5pm - return a few things cause I got better deals at different stores

Burger King - 530pm, the kids have to eat something while Mommy's going crazy shopping

Walmart - 630pm - not Christmas shopping, I have to get many thing to make Landon's birthday cake and supplies for his party (birthday party post coming next)

My shopping was a HUGE success!! I am very proud of everything I bought. I stuck to budget and I stuck to my spreadsheet (and yes, I did make a spreadsheet of the order of stores, what I was going to buy and the approx. cost)

Well, now it's time to go and update my other spreadsheet, you know, the one with everyone's name and what I got for them and how much I spent and what store I bought it at!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!

2009-11-25T07:23:00.001-05:00

I have a disease...

2009-11-17T06:51:00.003-05:00

It's called "Sweatpants Disease".

It's highly contagious and hard to cure.

The withdraw is long and tight and by tight, I mean your jeans feel tight.

I know I need to go cold turkey but I'm scared.

What am I going to sleep in? What am I going to go to work in? What am I going to wear on the weekends?

I have so many questions and not enough answers.

I have a long hard road ahead of me. But I think with the support of my friends and family, I may be able to put on actual pants at least one day a week.

Please friends, pray for me that I can make it through this. My sweats are starting to get holes in the butt and I need to buy more, but I am scared.

Am I always going to be know as the "Sweatpants girl"? I hope not.

**Story brought to you by Emma, my 7 year old. I went to a baby shower on Sunday and I put jeans and I nice shirt on. When I walked in from the shower, her eyes lit up and she got a huge smile on her face and said "wow, mommy, you are soooo dressed up and so pretty"

Like I said, My name is Kelly and I am a sweatpantholic.

Random Pictures from the week.....

2009-11-12T04:23:00.008-05:00

We went to Chick Fil A for kids night this past Tuesday and they were decorating Gingerbread Houses. The kids had SO MUCH FUN!! They really love to put the icing on and put the candy on.

And we got back Landon's preschool pictures..... He is the most handsome little boy in his WHOLE class!!

I know I have probabyly overloaded you all with the posts today but I just wanted to make sure and get everything out there!!

Chase's Birthday Party!!!

2009-11-12T04:13:00.010-05:00

Baby Boy blowing out his candles (He only got one and Landon took over and did the rest)

As we were singing Happy Birthday!

Cake before I iced it

Cake was a HUGE hit!

The cupcakes and cake (gotta have white AND chocolate!!)

After I got done icing the cake and the next morning I woke up to little finger holes all over the cake. I guess that's what I get for trying to get it done the day before.

So, Chase's party was a HUGE success. Everyone had a great time and Chase received many awesome things!!

Thank you to everyone who was there to celebrate the big day with us.

He's getting so big!!

2009-11-06T07:08:00.002-05:00

Today is Chase's 3rd birthday!!

And now to the birth story........

I was induced on November 6th, 2005. We were to be at the hospital at 8am, so of course I was there at 730am. I was sooooo nervous!! My stomach was going nuts all night and all morning and I spent the first 2 hours in the bathroom, you know, doing my business

*** side note: the day before I gave birth to each of my kids, I had a serious case of the number 2's, hmmmm, must be a way for my body to tell me to pack my bags***

So I finally get hooked up to my IV and all my drugs and all that fun stuff.

I was cruising along till about 11am when the mean doctor decided to break my water and kick me into high gear.

All I remember is my hubby touched my foot and I WENT OFF. I think the people in the next room could hear me telling him what I thought.

About 1pm, I got my epidural!! It was magical. Life was good and I was moving right along. I was somewhere between 6-7cm dilated.

At 3pm, I had what felt like the longest contraction EVER. I was getting ready to call the nurse when in came the nurse and my doc. And without even checking me she told me it was time.

So she checked me and yep, it was time....man she is good!!

So another doc I see came in and asked me if a member of the hospital who just so happens to be a big donate could watch my birth. She wanted to see someone give birth then apparently write a big fat check to the hospital.

How could I say no when I have had all 3 of my children here.

So now I have 3 nurses, a resident doc, my OB, my other OB, some rich lady and then in walks in 3 students.

At this point I am so ready to go and meet my son, I really didn't care. I just wanted to see my baby!

So to wrap things up, Chase Allen Lee Wolfe was born at 3:39pm, 8lbs, 7oz, 21 inches long

He was perfectly awesome and all mine!!

Come get to know me!!

2009-10-15T03:00:00.001-04:00

Since I am pretty new to the bloggy world, I though I would steal this from Mad Woman and share a little bit about myself. I know my blogs have been downers lately but that is going to change (well, not all the time) but I am going to be posting my restaurant reviews every Monday and then I am going to steal from some other blogs to figure out what I should do the rest of the week. Hmmm, any suggestions??

So here are the ABC's of Me!! Yeah, everything you always wanted!!

A – ADVOCATE FOR: I am advocate for Domestic Violence Victims and Sexual Assault Victims. I currently work for a domestic violence shelter and love working with the women and children who have to come and live here.

B – BEST FEATURE: My hubby would say my boobies of course, I mean they are a little large and all but he loves them. I love my lips. They are nice and plump without being too plump I can't drink out of a straw

C – COULD DO WITHOUT: My children fighting. Dieting. Bills.

D – DREAMS & DESIRES: I want to be a good mom. I want to be a good wife. I want to pay off all my debt and buy some new cars. I want to be famous for something, just not sure what that is yet....

E – ESSENTIAL ITEMS: My 3 favorite outfits, all from the GAP. They include a sweatshirt and sweat pants each in pink, blue, brown. I wear them to work EVERY NIGHT. I do laundry on Wednesday and it starts over, then on Sundays I wear normal clothes, you know, like jeans and a nice shirt. I need my coffee, Pepsi, my laptop with charger and MY CELL PHONE!!

F – FAVORITE PAST TIME: Ok, time to get all corny, but I LOVED my high school dances. All of them, really I did. It was such a magical time where I could dress up and look beautiful and leave all my problems somewhere else for a few hours.

G – GOOD AT: I am AWESOME at cooking and baking, you know, when I actually do. I grew up in restaurants and went to cooking school. I would do it more but I HATE cleaning up and putting everything away.

H – HAVE NEVER TRIED: Rock climbing. It just looks like alot of work and painful if something goes wrong. I try to avoid work at all costs.

I – IF I HAD A MILLION DOLLARS: Sell my stupid house and buy a nice big one with all the crazy stuff like an inside pool, an outside pool, a basketball court, a theater, each kid has there own rooms, each kid has a play room (cause when they have friends over, they can call play separate), nice large open concept house, nice outdoor seating with fireplace and built it BBQ, a master bedroom with an equally size master bath and walk in closet, the whole house would be hardwood with heated floors, 2 offices (cause I ain't sharing with the hubby no more), a scrapbook room, a "man" room, has to have a HUGE garage cause hubby loves to play with his cars, oh and I would buy a few cars. But I would also donate a ton to church, Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault victims, set of college funds for my kids and then give some to my bro and sister.

J – JUNKIE FOR: Taco Bell (please no yelling) I LOVE that place. I know it's crap and made from all kinds of funky stuff but I can't get enough and I HAVE to wash it down with some Pepsi

K – KINDRED SPIRIT: I have 2 really great friends, Tara and Christina. Both are unique in there own ways and I get to share different sides of myself with them. I love them dearly and would do anything for them or their families.

L – LITTLE KNOWN FACT: I was a Betty Bad Ass in school. My sister and I worked as a team. You knew not to mess with the Robinson girls. After many many many suspensions and detentions, I eventually graduated and joined the Army. I credit the Army for turning my life around and making me a respectable human being.

M – MEMORABLE MOMENT: The day all my children were born (one day I will write it all down so I can remember when I'm old) And I know it's not a great memorable moment, but I remember standing in the court room getting divorced from my first husband, also know as, The Worst Day of My Life. I know there are people out there that question that, but it was truly something I would not wish on my worst enemy, ever.

O – OCCASIONAL INDULGENCE: A date with my Awesome Hubby!!

P – PROFESSION: Crisis Intervention Specialist and mother to 3 adorable but mouthy children.

Q – QUOTE: "Love all, trust a few. Do wrong to no one" William Shakespeare

R– REASON TO SMILE: Watching my youngest talk on and on about nothing at all

S – SORRY ABOUT: Hurting too many people thought my life so far. Some on purpose, others accident. I am truly sorry.

T -THINGS THAT ARE WORRYING YOU RIGHT NOW: Bills, Marriage, Children, Keeping my job, Life in general...

U – UNINTERESTED IN:Snow and everything snow involves

V – VERY SCARED OF: Being alone and losing my children

W – WORST HABITS: Smoking and cussing. Some of the great things the Army has taught me.

X – X MARKS MY IDEAL VACATION SPOT: Virginia Beach, Virginia. Same old spot we go to almost every year and every year it's the best vacation I have ever had.

Y – YUMMIEST DESSERT: Chocolate cake, especially if it's the 3 layer triple chocolate cake from a little restaurant called Farmer Boy, only $2.59 a slice!

Z – ZODIAC SIGN: Leo. Center of attention and stubborn, hmmmm, does kinda sound like me

I am now a food critic.....read on peeps, read on!!

2009-10-13T01:22:00.002-04:00

I have a new part time job! I have decided to be a food critic with a co worker of mine. Every Friday morning, we are hitting a new local restaurant here in Northeast Ohio and giving a review. We decided to do this because we go out to breakfast on Friday mornings and food is what we both love (besides helping survivors of Domestic Violence). I am getting ready to post our first review. I'll be honest, mine is sucky but Deb's is awesome. She is such a talented writer, I gotta step up my game for next week.

Below is the information posted on Facebook, take a few minutes and check us out!!

"Deb & Kelly... CIS warriors by profession, humorous food critics at heart. We have decided to share with our readers the adventures of the most important meal of the day... Breakfast ! Our tasteful or sometimes tasteless journey's will take you to some of Northeast Ohio's finest breakfast hot spots where the food, service, and value will be scrutinized by these 2 very notable food connoisseur's. With over 60 years of combined eating experience; you can't go wrong with Deb & Kelly's "EGG" celent Adventure's ! Follow us on FACEBOOK"

Woodys - October 9th, 2009

2009-10-13T01:18:00.005-04:00

DEB'S REVIEW:::

Nestled in the heart of Portage Lakes, neighboring a trailer park; Woody's Restaurant offers a unique dining experience. What appears as if you have entered Mel's Diner from the 70's sitcom Alice, Woody's decor hasn't changed a bit since I was a kid. Designedly challenged, the booths and tables are packed in just as the local grease grubbers appreciate it. Although Woody's is facially deteriorating, the place is clean and free of dried eggs and permanent coffee rings on the tables. I decided to order Corned Beef Hash, Poached eggs, and Rye Toast. I added a side of Hash Browns because I felt that my ass wasn't quite squeezed in the booth tight enough as it was. The presentation of my entree' was... well.. slopped on the plate. The hash was zesty with a bit of "I just got this out of a can" appearance. My poached eggs however were attractive and appetizing. The prices at Woody's are great; this place would definitely fit a weekly string budget for the fiscally challenged. My breakfast was a whopping $ 6.75 including my iced tea. I also left our waitress Flo a few bucks to put towards her dental work. My final review of Woody's get's 2 FORKS; a Decent Dive, however affordable to miss if you're in the Portage Lakes area.

Kel's Review:::

Wow, so excited!! My very first review!! So ya walk in and whoa!! hello 1970's. We had no idea if we were to seat ourselves or wait, but luckily a nice waitress told us to grab some seats. The place was filled with what appeared to be locals. Everyone seemed to be having a great time and enjoying themselves. I ordered Sausage Gravy and Biscuits and a side of grits. The waitress made sure I knew the gravy was a little hot and spicy. Our waitress was so nice and friendly, but not fake nice, she was really for real nice. Our food came out shortly. Deb and I enjoyed some nice conversation and before you knew it, the food was there. My food looked good, not great, but good. The sausage gravy was an orangish color so it kind of freaked me out. The sausage gravy tasted ok. It was made with hot Italian sausage instead of breakfast sausage. It wasn't bad but it wasn't good. It would of tasted much better over a plate of mashed potatoes instead of biscuits. The grits were amazing. They weren't to runny and not too thick and cooked perfectly. As far as price goes, it was perfect. You got pretty nice size portions for a pretty nice price. My Sausage Gravy and Biscuits were $3.50 and the grits were $2.00, the hot tea was $1.50. So in my opinion the price suited the breakfast. So for my first review I am giving this restaurant 3 FORKS. This would make a nice quiet breakfast. Hang out with some locals, eat some pretty good food and not go broke.

Just had to brag for a moment....

2009-10-06T02:46:00.002-04:00

Hubby and I went on a date. We went to a consignment shop to shop for the kids and Steak N Shake. Yes folks, you heard it right, shopping for the kids and some fast food. In my defense, at Steak N Shake they have the Carmel Apple Milkshakes back for the season and I know my hubby LOVES them, so I surprised him and took him there for dinner.

OK, back to the bragging part. Here is a list of what I purchased at he children's consignment shop:

Landon - Christmas sweater (children's place)
Chase - Christmas sweater (carters)
Landon - 2 pairs of athletic pants
Landon - 1 pair of khakis
Landon - 1 pair of jeans (brand name)
Chase - Halloween costume (frog) from Old Navy
Chase - Winter coat from Ecko
Landon - Winter coat from Osh Kosh (Looks brand new)
Landon - black dress shoes for holidays
Chase - black dress shoes for holidays
Landon - 4 long sleeve shirts (all brand name)
Emma - t shirt for costume (she is going to be a punk rock star)

Total with tax - $81.24

I totally scored with this shopping trip.

Just trying to listen...

2009-09-28T05:05:00.002-04:00

I am listening to the rain come down right now. It is the most peaceful sound at times.

I feel like my last couple posts have been such Debbie Downers. I am trying to get a new way of thinking.

Today at church I helped out in the nursery and got to hold a new born baby.It's been almost 3 years since I have done that. He just laid there staring at me. He was so innocent and peaceful. Then he fell asleep on my chest and I didn't want to give him up when his mom came for him.

I miss that. I miss the innocence. I look at my own childhood and I look at my children and I realized I am stripping them from their innocence.

I don't want to be mean, I don't want to yell. I want to be the loving, caring mom that I have always dreamed of.

I mean, it's stressful. Emma is getting so big and she is learning life everywhere she turns. I want to protect her from the hurt and sadness that is coming. I recently learned that her father and step mom got divorced. They didn't tell anyone and they are still living together. I may or may not have gotten on to our county's public records to find out this info. (What else am I gonna do at 430 am??) I know her pain is coming. My heart breaks for her. She has already had to go through the divorce of her father and I and that was really bad. I just know it's coming.

The boys, Landon and Chase are driving me crazy. I know that it's because they are so close (11 months apart) and they are almost 4 and 3. It's just that they fight all the time. ALL THE TIME. I wish I could explain to them that by them fighting they are just hurting them selves.

I want my kids to to be happy. And for the most part, I think they are.

The main thing is - I LOVE MY KIDS and would give anything for them. I do recognize my problems and I am slowly working on them.

I just don't want them to grow up and write blogs abut how messed up there mom was, just like I do. I want them to grow up thinking they had the best childhood a kid could ask for. I want them to grow up and give everything they have to their own kids.

I am working on, it just takes time. But I don't have too much time.....

I just want to go home.....

2009-09-11T05:07:00.004-04:00

Update: I wrote this about a month ago and was trying to decide to post it, well I am, so here it is. All the craziness you can handle....

Seriously, I can't. I feel like so much is slipping away. I feel like I am losing my mind. What is going on? I feel so out of it. Like I am dreaming, like I am watching a Lifetime movie.

My kids drive me nuts and dare I say it, but are bad most of the time. I get so flustered. All Landon seems to do is throw HUGE screaming tantrums, hit his siblings and try to steal food. I woke up Tuesday and came to hang with the kids and Chase had a bite mark the size of a quarter on his arm. I WAS PISSED!! What the heck was Landon thinking??? I totally screwed this kid up and I can't figure out how to fix him!! Matt and I even went to a therpist because his behavior is sooooo bad. We got some good tips but nothing to fix him. And I know what I am about to say will prolly not win me mother of the year, but sometimes I don't like him. Don't get me wrong, I love all my children and would do absolutley anything for them, but there are days where I could pack him stuff up and put him on the corner with a for sale sigh attached to his shirt. I know that prolly makes me a horrible parent but I am tired. I am tired of all the fighting, all the screaming. I'm just so tired. I feel like I am out of options. Landon has his first day of preschool Tuesday which was the day of the biting and today was his second day. And he totally treated me like crap in front of 143 cheerleaders and the parents.

I know your prolly thinking how a 3 year can treat you like crap. Well, I was standing there listening to the director give annoucements and I told the boys they could go play in the grassy area. And before long I hear Chase screaming, look over and Landon's beating the crap out of him. I run over there, yell quietly and put them both in time out and Landon starts screaming, and I mean SCREAMING "YOU DON'T TELL ME THAT" "YOU DON'T HIT ME" (which I didn't, cause I NEVER hit in public for fear that someone will freak out and call children services) and he screamed a bunch more things and of course everyones looking at me. It was AWFUL.

My marriage is hard (yes folks, I know marriage is hard, but the second time around and we are having issues one begins to think that is it herself who has the problems) And yes, I truly think I am the cause of all this. I keep thinking, if I could just get my crap together everything would be fine.

I am a mess. I spend money we don't have ( I have impulse control folks) I am dieting and I keep cheating, not bad cheating, but I am. I am letting down a god friend who put this whole weight loss plan together. It took her alot of time and I am letting her down. I just don't have the motivation. I know I am fat and I know I want to lose weight, I need to lose weight, but I don't want to do any of the work.

In a nut shell, I am just not happy. I am so sad with my life right now and I keep getting further down. I cry all the time. And not little cries but full blown melt downs. I have done it in front of the kids a few times but I try to keep it to my self. I will take a shower and sit on the tub floor and just bawl.

What the heck is wrong with me? One good way to explain how I am feeling is " I want to go home" I know it prolly makes no sense but that's how I feel, I just want to go home. I have no idea what that means but that's what I am yearning for. I want to go home.

I know I need help but help cost money and well I have a problem with money. I wuold rather spend money on "things". I want to see what I buy. Even if it's food or diapers, I can see what I spent money on. That's why bills and doctors suck. I can't see. It's just money wasted.

I am taking anti depressants but really don't think it's working. I have been on it for a month, so I do need to give it a little longer, but come on, I have taken sooooo many drugs, I am not sure a Celexa is going to fix this. I was on Lithium, Depekote and Serequel and I still wasn't better. And those are hard core drugs.

I have a feeling that I am going to die from this mental illness. Please don't take that wrong, but that's the truth. I may make it to 85 years old but I think in the end it's going to be this crazy head of mine that kills me. It feels good to put these crazy feeling out there. It feels good to let loose. To tell the truth. I haven't told the truth in so long, I'm not even sure what it is sometimes. I just keep telling my self that I'm ok even though we all know I'm not. I truly believe I have serious depression issues. I hate calling them mental health issues even though that's what I write.

I don't understand why I can help so many other people but I can't help my self. At work that's all I do. I am CRISIS INTERVENTION SPECIALIST!!! That's all I do is help people who are in crisis. And at church I work with children who parents are going through divorce. How come I can help them but I can't help myself??

I'm not sure I'll ever really post this but it was nice to write it all down.....

The Post Where I Tell To Much of the Truth

2009-09-09T06:52:00.003-04:00

Yeah, I really do.

I have had mental health issues for as long as I can remember.

It has everything to do with the way I grew up and all the mental health issues that run in my family.

My childhood was 85% bad and 15% good. The good parts was all the time I spent with my grandparents. They kept me a lot when I was little, probably up until the age of 11 or 12. That's when I started hanging out with friends a lot more and heading down a horrible road.

I had sex for the first time at age 12, it was October of 1992 and it was with an 18 year old boy and it was a one night stand. Also at age 12 I had been smoking cigarettes for about 2 years, I had my first experience with alcohol. A fifth of Fire Water. Yum. I got so sick. I had alcohol poisoning. My mom bought the bottle to celebrate her graduation from her DUI classes. Right there should tell you how my child hood went.

From grades 4-7, my house was a non stop party place. My mom would have so many people over all the time. They were drinking, smoking pot and I am quite sure there was many illegal drugs involved.

I remember having to put furniture in front of my bedroom door so me and my sister could sleep safely without worrying that a stranger was going to come in the room.

When I was 11 I caught the gay man that was living with us having sex on our couch.

When I was 12 I was molested by my mothers 24 year old boyfriend. And still to this day my mother will not accept it. When I told her, I got in so much trouble. I have learned to keep my mouth shut around her.
I remember when I was about 10, my mom pushing me so hard my heels made an indent in the wall.

I remember having to go to friends houses or my grandma's house just to eat. But if you ask my mom, she will tell you that we always had food on the table.

I remember stealing from the Dairy Mart because I was so hungry and my friends were sick of me eating there food and I couldn't get to my grandma's house.

I remember calling Children Services numerous times and them coming out to investigate and leaving finding nothing. If nothing, my mother is one heck of a liar. She lies so much that she actually believes her own lies.

I remember running away, the police brought me back, and about half hour later I asked my mom if I could go to a friends house and she let me. She just didn't care.

I remember was I was 7 we were having a yard sale. My dad came home in his red truck and he was drunk and he started to physically fight with my mom in the front yard while all kinds of strangers watched.

I remember the few times my dad actually came and picked us up. It was always the same bowling at Coloniel Lanes then Dairy Queen at Six Corners, then home.

I remember one of the last times I saw my dad. Christmas Eve of 1999. At Fancy Dans donut shop. My sister was working and my dad asked that we all meet him there. He showed up in dress clothes, a leather vest and really nice black cowboy looking boots. He gave us each a card with $50. After that, I saw him September 2007 while he was living at the Haven Of Rest, a local homeless shelter.

I remember is high school, sleeping with so many boys. I just wanted to feel needed. I needed to feel pretty. I needed for someone to love me and not reject me. I needed someone not to leave. But they always did. Always. And if they didn't leave, I would cheat on them because I knew they were eventually going to leave.

I remember ruining my first marriage because of trust issues. My ex husband and I never talked. We drifted apart. I prepared my self for him leaving, that he actually did. My ex was a good person. He never hit me, never got nasty with me. Granted, after I asked for a separation, he did cheat on me and get some one else pregnant. And all I thought was "see, score one for me, I knew it, I knew it, no matter what, he was probably going to leave anyways".

I am not trying to get anyone to feel sorry for me or anything like that. I have some issues that I am working through and I am a mess. A freakin mess. I thought I was doing really well then I had to see my mother this past weekend. Being in her house made me so uncomfortable. My memories came rushing back. The pain, the sadness, the regret, it all came back.

I had a crappy childhood and I have to constantly work to make my kids childhoods good. I have to break the cycle. I need to be a good mom. But you know what, I don't always know how. I find myself resorting to things my mom used to do and I find my self talking to my kids like she used to talk to me. My kids deserve better then that. I am trying, I really am. I want to be a good mom. I want to give my kids all the things that my mom and dad could not give me.

But being in that house took me 20 steps back. I have been sad and depressed since Saturday. I am angry. I am angry because she still thinks we had this wonderful childhood. She still thinks we had food on the table. She thinks I was a virgin until high school. She thinks her boyfriend was not a child molester. Sometimes I really think I hate her. Sometimes I wonder how I would feel if she died. Would I cry? Would I really care?

She barely knows my kids names. She still calls Landon "Logan" sometimes. She has only been to one birthday party for the boys. And that was Landon's first birthday. He will be 4 this year and Chase will be 3. She has been to 3 of Emma's parties but she will be 8 this year.

I feel dumb. I have tears streaming down my face as I write this. I thought I was ok. I thought I was ok. My heart hurts. I just want to be done with this. I want to be done thinking of my childhood. I want to be done being upset with my mother and father.

I don't know what I hope to get out of this post. I guess I just needed to say some things and just get it out of my head. Which is what a blog is for right?

The One Subject I HATE Talking About...

2009-08-26T02:52:00.007-04:00

My weight.

Since hardly anyone that knows me IRL reads this, I feel pretty safe posting all this and I guess I really don't care if someone really knows who I am. I have nothing to hide.

Over the past 10 years I have gained so much weight. Let me take you on a little time travel.

January 1999 - weighed 170 - just got home from Basic Training and I was lean. I did weight more then I wanted but I was wearing a size 9-10 jean and I am about 5'11, so it was all good.

April 2000 - wedding - 160lbs - not bad at all, I could still totally wear a bikini

August 2001 - found out I was pregnant with first child - 180lbs - so I put on a few pounds, you know it's that new marriage weight

April 2002 - baby Emma born, weight 3 days before delivery 272lbs, weight after delivery 260 lbs - needless to say, I went a little over board on the whole eating for 2 thing

August 2003 - Day after coming home from vacation - 215lbs - not bad, lost a ton of weight but still a lot more to go

June 2004 - going through divorce and that reeks havoc on your body - 170 lbs - yeah - I have never been more excited to see that number again and I looked soooooo good

May 2005 - 195 lbs - I remarried and was 3 months pregnant with Landon, still not bad, but not were I wanna be

December 2005 - Landon born in late November - 228lbs for Christmas

February 2006 - doing Weight Watchers (paid for by my awesome grandma) 208lbs

March 2006 - found out I was pregnant again with Chase - due in early November 2006

November 2006 - can't remember exactly, but I know it was somewhere around 255lbs when I delivered

January 2007 - back down to 215lbs, still need to lose more

Now the next months are kinda crazy and I wasn't taking care of my self, so we are going to jump to ....

February 2009 - 245lbs - I know, I know - what the heck happened??

August 2nd 2009 (also my birthday and the day before I started my diet) 257lbs!!!!! What is going on here?? What happened??

So there you have it, that is the real me and I am really fat. I have no issues saying I am fat because I am.

I am currently working with someone on a nutrition plan and exercise plan. The nutrition plan is really hard because it is so much different then anything I have ever done. But I am giving it 100%. I am basically on a low carb, high protein, high healthy fat diet. According to all the paperwork I had to fill out for this plan, my body has a difficult time processing carbs.

I have lost about 10lbs but I know I could of lost more. I really struggle with overeating. I have no portion control. I eat until I want to puke. I am getting much better but I think it's going to be a process. I have to retrain my thinking. I have to retrain how I eat. I have to learn to make better choices. I have to learn that I am getting older and I need to be thinking more about my health. I have to think about my children and what I am teaching them.

I am going to do this. I am going to lose weight and I am going to become healthy again. I am going to exercise more and maybe even one day I might start running again. I AM GOING TO DO THIS

So here are my goals:

Ultimate goal is 170 lbs (going to take a while to get there)

In the mean time, I have short term goals. I am looking to lose 30lbs. That will put me at 227lbs.

My next goal is 200lbs and final goal is 170lbs.

October 2004

August 2, 2005 - 6 months pregnant with Landon

At my heaviest - July 4th, 2009

Many More Random Thoughts and Pictures

2009-08-18T03:39:00.008-04:00

I can't believe I am already planning our beach vacation for next summer. See, we go to the beach every other year. It's just too expensive for us to do it every year. And actually the last time we went was June 2007, so it'll be 3 years before we get back.

That kinda makes me sad. Three years since I have seen the beach. I see a big problem with that.

And I know we are very fortunate enough to be going on vacation at our age with 3 kids. Growing up we never went anywhere and if I did it was with my grandparents and it was to Maryland or Chicago to see family. I have many friends who are unable to go on vacation. So I do feel very blessed to be able to go.

Matt and I plan for it all year, starting January 1st. We decided to have the tax man with hold more taxes every pay so we can get a HUGE tax refund every year. And yeah yeah yeah I know all about us giving our money to the government and blah blah blah, but it works for us. We are able to buy MANY things with our tax return.

This year we already have a huge list including: trip to Virginia Beach, replace big bay window, new back yard wooden fence, 30th birthday party (think 80's prom/wedding reception) and about 5 other misc household repairs. So you can see that we get back a pretty hefty amount if we can buy all this and still have money leftover for fun stuff too!! I am already doing the tax return count down!

Well, enough about all that. I just thought it was fun that I was planning next years beach vacation.

And now for your viewing pleasure, here are a bunch of random pics from the last few weeks of my lovely summer. (Idlewild pictures and post are coming soon!!)

Here we are on the turnpike, it was soooo much fun!!

I made her try it on as soon as we got home from picking it up. I am such a nut case!

Chase running away from the fountains, he is deathly afraid of water, poor kid...

Landon getting soaked!! He had alot of fun

Well folks, until next time. (I really have to get better about this whole blogging thing. I'm still new and sometimes the computer sucks and I can't figure out things but I'm learning, just bear with me)

Here's a thought far ya.......

2009-08-12T02:57:00.002-04:00

Niece Melody: where do necklaces come from?

Daughter Emma: oh, I know, I know! They come from China! Everything comes from China"

This coming from the mouth of a 7 year old. I just kinda sat there in the car and snickered. I then went on to tell Emma and Melody about all the things that are made here in the US. Emma of course then asked "well, then why does all my stuff say made in china?"

At this point I have no idea what to say. I found myself feeling very stupid at this point. So I did what any good mom does..... change the subject.

Did ya have fun at cheerleading tonight hon??

Landon = Potty Mouth

2009-08-06T02:41:00.003-04:00

So, my hubby and I took the kids out to eat last week for lunch.

Behind us there is a very old couple and probably the daughter.

As soon as the server walks away from taking our drink order, Landon looks at me and LOUDLY says,

"Chase smells like dog shit!"

People from a three table radius stare at us and give us that look, you know the "what kinda parents are you?" look.

Let me back track for a second. A few days before that I was changing Chase's diaper and I said something like "whoa, Chasey, you smell like dog shit, umm, I mean crap" That's it, that's all I said.

So what did Matt and I do??? Laughed. We laughed so hard that I had to get up and go to the bathroom before I peed my pants. I just couldn't even believe he said that.

And since hardly anyone knows me or my family, my boys, Chase, who is 2 1/2 and Landon, who's 3 1/2, can speak VERY well. The doctor is always impressed and so is just about anyone who meets them. They are just natural born talkers. So with that being said, there is no way to even try and mask what they say.

Ok, so back to the story. I get back from the potty and we are chillin, you know, coloring on the placemats and Landon begins to speak again. This time he says.

"Mommy, does your boob still hurt?"

Again, pretty loud. Loud enough for people to stare, AGAIN.

Back story on that one..... I had an infected cyst in my boob and it was really painful and we all know how kids LOVE to elbow you in the boob (or groin, if your a man) any chance these possibly get.

So yeah, maybe I should start watching my mouth more. I don't think it's right that I could write a 4 page blog on all the inappropriate things my kids have said. I just have a potty mouth and my hubby has learned from hearing me, so now he has a crappy mouth too.

OK, just one more, just because I just remembered this....

When talking to the hubby, I'll sometimes say something like "Chase took a big shit today" or can you go change the shitty trashcan cause the boys decided to shit a lot". So Landon began saying the work "shit" a lot and he was using is correctly. After a few days of correcting him, he says

"Mommy, I pooped, I didn't shit, I pooped."

The sunburn that would not end......

2009-08-04T07:23:00.002-04:00

I just wanted to let everyone know that for the past 3 hours I have been at work I have been peeling the sun burned skin that I got on Monday July 27th from spending 3 little hours at the pool..........off my boob.

And now my Jeep is gone,,,,,

2009-08-01T01:37:00.002-04:00

Man, this blog of mine is turning into quite the downer. I just seem to have some bad luck this month. Before I tell you the Jeep story let me just say that we have opened up a new checking account, we have received our new debit cards and check book, a friend of mine bought me new DVD players for the kids since we were road tripping it for a few days and I might die without them, we got print outs of our social security numbers and mine and Matt's cards are ordered, I got my new drivers license and the homeowners claim for the ring and everything else is going pretty smooth right now. Just waiting for them to get a copy of the police report and then it's pretty much done and they can cut me a check so I can go and get my new ring.

There, with that out of the way I can tell you my Jeep story. And you know since I love detail, this may be on the longer side. And I will point out that after this post I am really going to try and have more upbeat posts, I mean, come on, something good is bound to happen to me one of these days.

So Tuesday was our big day. We were taking a 2 1/2 hour road trip to PA to go to Idlewild!!!! We got all packed and left the house around 3pm. About oh, I don't know, 1 hour and 45 minutes in the trip, the Jeep (that we just bought in February, used of course) overheated, we pulled off the turnpike and everything was dry. My husband always has a thing of water in the car so he poured it in, well, I guess that wasn't enough. We resorted to pouring about 10 or so bottles of water in too. So there went all my water for the trip :(

After it cooled down, we took off!! About a mile after we left, it over heated again. I tried driving a little bit cause hubby was trying to get in to stop by playing with the heater and such but it started to shake so bad that I got really scared and pulled off the side of the road. Hubby got out, popped the hood and NOTHING!! Not a drop of coolant or water anywhere. Hubby, who is just plain awesome with cars and really knows his stuff, informed me that we were screwed. After tinkering with it for a few minutes, he gets in the car and again tells me we are screwed. And of course I ask why and he responds "it's dead". Apparently the engine has a cracked block.

So we kinda sit there for like 10 minutes just trying to figure out what to do. We are on the turnpike, right before a construction zone, no air, no nothing. We are 95 miles from home and 35 miles from the hotel...... What to do???

So we call *11, which is like the PA turnpike assistance peeps and they tell us they are sending a tow truck. And at this point we have no idea where we are even going to go. Oh, I should mention we called the tow truck at 5:25pm.

So tow truck dude shows up at 6:35, we convince him to take the Jeep to our hotel and he tells us it's $75 to hook it up and $3.50 per mile, so again we are screwed but we tell him to do it anyways - which btw, ends up costing us $170.00!!!!

So Matt rides with the tow truck guy and the kids and I have to ride with the PA turnpike First Responders people. Now here's the fun part. These First Responders are only allowed to work certain legs of the turnpike. So we get in the truck with the first guy and he tells me that he can only take me as far as the next rest stop which is like 4 miles and then another Responder will pick us up there. So whatever, that's fine.

We get to the rest stop at 7pm. And AN HOUR AND A HALF LATER the other Responder shows up. At this point my hubby is already at the hotel, the kids are about ready to kill each other, I am about ready to kill the kids and the new responder tells me the farthest he can take me is the McDonald's right off the exit!!! SOOOOOO, that still leaves me about 12 miles away from our hotel. But he was nice and told me "at least is the Big Mac museum" WTF!!! Like I really care if it's the Big Mac Museum, I hate Big Macs!!

So then I tell him, that was alright, I will just call a cab to come pick up me and my children and have them take us to the hotel. At this point he informs me that Greensburg, PA HAS NO TAXIS!!!

I am soooooo upset at this point (I think I had like 7-8 breakdowns by this point) I called my hubby all frantic cause I didn't know what else to do. I told him to run to the front desk and ask them for help.

Ask and you shall receive.

The hotel has a shuttle. They are only supposed to go in a 3 mile radius but they came all the way out and picked us up. I am eternally grateful.

So blah blah blah, we get to the hotel about 9:45, the kids run wild, we eat, get the kids ready for bed and all that fun stuff. Then it's time to talk about the Jeep.

I won't bore you with all the small details but we pretty much decided to rent a small U Haul truck then rent a towing trailer. It was about $200 for a one way trip. We priced it out and the tow company wanted about $650 to tow it back and Penske was $899 just for the truck to rent one way - INSANE!!!! So I hopped on line and booked everything.

Through all this we had family calling is out the wazoo cause I am dumb and posted a status update on Facebook even before I called anyone and told them what was going on. Cause at that point I just wanted to veg on the computer and I really didn't wanna have to explain everything cause I was already a wreck.

So again, long story short, it was decided that my sister in law, Samantha, (hubby's brothers wife) her dad was going to bring his big truck (cause it can fit all of us), then hook the towing trailer to that and tow us home. And that only cost us $100. And that's exactly what happened. He came Thursday morning, they got the Jeep all squared away on the trailer thing and we loaded the kids up and took off. We made it home in one piece, the STUPID JEEP is sitting in the drive dead as a door nail and I keep have anxiety attacks.

Cause you know we don't have the funds to fix it and we don't have the funds for a new car. I am using my grandma's 02 Buick LaSabre right now and it's amazing, but that's only temporary.

And as far as our vacation went We didn't go to Idlewild on Wednesday as planned, but good news is that it rained ALL DAY Wednesday, so we would of been rained out anyways. We went to Eat N Park for lunch then to CVS (cause we could walk there), then lots o swimming in the hotel. We had the shuttle take us to the mall where we walked around then we found the best place ever..... CHUCK E CHEESE. As crappy as hubby and I were feeling, we had to think about the kids, and this is one of their favorite places and of course they had a blast.

I just keep telling Emma, when they ask you on your first day of school "what did you do on summer vacation?", please don't tell them the truck broke down and we got stuck on the turnpike for 5 hours then we went to Eat N Park.......

Everything is gone....

2009-07-19T22:47:00.002-04:00

Yep that's right everything is gone. Someone stole pretty much everything I own from my car. And please please please do not say "I told you so" when you find out I left my purse in the car, please!!

So Thursday night I get home from work and my awesome sister in law, Samantha, has taken ALL my kids to VBS and hubby is still at work. So I run out of the car leaving everything in it except my keys and cell.

So when hubby gets home we chat, then the SIL brings the kiddos back and we talk, then we have to do baths and night time stuff and just the typical end of day busy things and then off to bed I go.

So I have to be to work at 9am and at 935am I am finally walking out the door. I reach over to get something off the ledge of the porch and I can see into my car and my work notebook is laying on the passenger seat and I think to my self "why is that there? I didn't get into that last night" THEN I went to the car, opened the door, sat down looked over, and all I said was "SHIT". I get outta the car and go inside and calmly tell the babysitter someone broke in my car and stole my purse. I grab the phone book and call the non emergency police number. While I am waiting for them I call the bank to alert them that my debit card, checkbook, drivers license and all of out social security cards (yes, mine, hubby's and all 3 kids!! I had just been somewhere where they needed them and forgot to put them back in the house, remember don't yell at me, I have heard it enough the past 3 days). It's all GONE. I idiots actually went through the wallet taking things out like health insurance cards and store savings cards and threw them on the floor.
So mister nice policeman came and took my info and by then I was seriously late for work. So about 1015, I am finally in the car on the way to work. I pull into the gas station to get my morning cup o coffee and quickly realize you need money to pay for that sorta thing. So I was upset and decided to call a friend. As I was talking and driving (here's the good part), I looked at my ring finger and realized I forgot my wedding ring ($3000) and here's the kicker, it was inside my purse!!! Okay before I get hit with how stupid I am, let me explain. The evening before I was at work at the shelter and we don't have air conditioning. When it gets really hot sometimes my hands swell and well I'm not the skinniest person and my ring is kinda tight anyways and it was really starting too hurt so I took my wedding ring off and locked it up in the cabinet in my purse.

So at this moment I am talking on the phone, realized my ring was also stolen and went completely nuts IN MY CAR. A normal person would of pulled over but nope I kept on trucking.

After I got to work and calmed down, I called the insurance co and made a homeowners claim for it.

THEN, I went back out to the car to try and clean up some of the mess (yeah I got a pretty cool job like that). And that's when I realized they had also stolen my kids portable dual DVD player. Even though the cop asked me like 5 times and said "No officer, there is nothing else". So now I have to call them back and add a $3000 wedding ring and DVD players to the items stolen. He is seriously going to think I am full of shit.

So most of the day was spent at the bank opening new accounts, getting all the old stuff shut down (oh, and I ended up leaving at 1pm and taking some personal time) and running to Matt's work to give him the new direct deposit info. So I spent a good portion of the day running here and there and talking to 800 people on the phone.

THEN, it was finally night time, I went to go take my medicine and GUESS WHAT??? It was also in my purse. They took my antibiotic, Ultram and my IBS meds!!! So now on Monday, I have even more phone calls to make. I have to find out how to get all my meds replaced without having to pay full price for them.

And on the first day of my vacation we ALL have to go down to the Social Security building and get print outs of our numbers and reorder ALL our stupid cards, then I have to go down and get a new drivers license.

And pray to God that my new debit cards and stuff come before we actually leave for vacation, cause if not I am pretty much screwed.

So here's the weird part, I am more upset because these stupid people stole my kids DVD player then the wedding ring. I am absolutely fuming that they stole from my kids. Mess with me, that's fine, but don't you EVER mess with my kids. So now I am hoping to have my homeowners claim settled by July 27th, so I have enough time to go out and buy them another DVD player.

And on top of all this I am really depressed. I can't pull myself together. I have been crying all weekend, moping all weekend and I didn't even want to do anything all weekend.

I hope that's going to go away soon after everything gets back to normal.

A nice letter to my Brother in Law........

2009-07-14T17:49:00.002-04:00

Hi Jim,

Since I don't know your email address this is the only way to contact you. I think you are the biggest piece of crap on earth. You call your self a Christian but you are nothing more then an abusive man. Don't you think I see this day in and day out. You are controlling of everything my sister and your kids do. You force my sister to act a certain way, to dress a certain way, to talk a certain way. Let's get one thing straight, you are not the boss.

YOU ARE NOT GOD.

Please step down and let the real man do his job. I can't believe the position you have put my sister and your children in to. In my opinion since you don't physically beat my sister anymore, you are doing everything in your power to abuse her any other way you can. You have ruined this marriage. You have caused the pain and hurt. And yes I know that Amy is not innocent by far but you CAN'T CONTROL EVERYTHING.

Amy needs to be her own person. She needs to find out who she is. She has gone sooooo many years under your evil control and it's her time. You need to pack your things and go live with your mom. My sister needs to be in that house for the kids. The kids need a stable place to stay. And you sir are not stable, you are about one step away from joining a cult. You have unrealistic expectation's from Amy and the kids. You have made life miserable and your kids are suffering. You need to get out of that house and let my sister and the kids come back. They deserve a normal life. And if you ever threaten my sister or anyone in my family, you better pray God is on your side that day.

Your Loving Sister In Law,

Kelly

PS - And I will find a way to help my sister in any way I can, so you can expect more of this to come.

So after almost 10 years of marriage my sister finally got the courage to stand up for herself and he is beating her down any way he can besides physically. I am getting so frustrated at this whole situation and maybe I shouldn't of written that email (which was left as a comment on his blog) and oh well. Some one needs to say these things to him, I was going to say a heck of alot more, but I could feel my blood pressure rising and felt that I needed to stop writing, cause I was about to say something very inapporiate.

Well, I have to get going back to work. I just had to vent for awhile. I may need to come back later!!

Finally pics of Emma's new room!!

2009-07-05T16:07:00.009-04:00

OK, so I know that I promised these like forever ago, but come on, you know how it is. I have been so busy with work and home and parties and life. We had an awesome 4th of July (I'll blog about that another day, maybe)

FYI - I took a new position at work - YEAH!! I am now going to be working Monday - Friday midnight to 8am. And yes I have thought about all the pros and cons. And I really think it's going to work. And it will save me 200 miles a week in gas cause the position is in the Akron shelter, which is 2.3 miles from my house!! (Right now I drive to Medina 4 days a week at 50 miles round trip). So that's my good news and now on to the good stuff.....

And here is my new scrapbbok station!! I am so excited cause I have shelves and a desk and a ton of other storage!!

And we can't forget my purse rack. I am not sure how many are actaully on there. And it may not seem like alot, but there are a ton underneath the bigger ones and let's not forget the ones in the back.

Just some Random Thought....

2009-06-24T09:33:00.008-04:00

I have to stop waking up late. I have been late 3 out of 3 days so far. And Monday I woke up so late I wore my pajama shirt to work and half way through the day noticed Butterfinger that I had for a late night snack all over it.

Why is it that when I am at work I miss my children soooo much, then within 15 minutes of being home I am ready to send them to Children Services??

My very clean house is not so very clean anymore

We are going Strawberry picking Saturday morning.

I am going to play switch a roo with some of our rooms. Ok, picture this, we have a Cape Cod. My bedroom and computer room is upstairs, so here's my plan. I am going to move the boys bedroom and the playroom up stairs. And move my bedroom and computer/scrapbook roon downstairs. Now I just have to find a way to lock the new computer room door and my plan wll work.

I have been so stressed out at work lately. I could just scream.

I am $300 short for vacation. I hope the money fairy visits me really soon.

My daughter, Emma, started seeing a therapist. You can go ahead and put my down for mother of year please. I totally screwed her up.

And now time for some completely random pictures.......

Halloween 2008

Easter 2009

Emma's 7th birthday while we were in Florida

Making Christmas Cookies December 2007

Have an awesome Wednesday!!

Experienced Bloggers..... Need Help???

2009-06-08T13:58:00.002-04:00

So this is going to sound really stupid but I need a little help with my pictures.

I read blogs and I look at pictures and they always have cute little frames around them, whether it be just a simple white or black border, or one that looks like a polaroid shot.

I need my pictures to look better, so 2 questions, where can I go to get them and how do I do it. (I am pretty good on the computer, just speak in lamans terms) Thanks!!

Weekend Cleaning

2009-06-08T13:49:00.005-04:00

Emma is getting a new bedroom set!!! I am sooo excited. She is getting 2 dressers, a desk and head board and foot board that ALLL MATCH!!

It took us about 4 hours to get her room all cleaned out and ready for the new furniture. Here are a few pics of that mess.... and this was after we took her 2 dressers, desk and bed and put them somewhere else. This child has sooooo m uch stuff. We took at least 4 trashbags and 3 bog boxes to Goodwill.

So as you can see we had alot of work to do. I will post more pics after her room is all set up and done. I can't wait!! I am sooooo excited!!

Tattoo????

2009-06-04T11:08:00.001-04:00

This is going to be a quickie......

I don't understand my addiction with tattoos.

I have 8 and I want more.

I think I need to go to like a 12 step program.

My husband will kill me if I get anymore.

Happy June 1st!!

2009-06-01T20:34:00.002-04:00

I offically have 15 more paychecks until Christmas. Wow, I have no idea how I am going to pull this one off this year, but oh well, I have 10 more paychecks till have I have to think about it.

I will tell you right off the bat, I am having trouble typing cause the boys are acting crazy. I have used the backspace button so many times in these couple sentences that I should prolly have the computer taken away and sent to bed as my punishment.

So let's see, I did have a good post idea then it went right out the window with the rest of the evening.

So I am going to talk about my vacation. We have about $1000 and 2 options.
1. Alabama - visting my aunt and uncle. We would leave here on a Friday, head to TN, spend he night with the cousins, then head to Alabama the next day and do the same thing on the way home. That way we can spilt up the 12 hour drive into 6 hours each day, taking a total of almost 4 days to do all the driving. Then we would stay at my aunt and unlces house and hopefully do some stuff locally, like the winery, zoo, swimming and taking a trip on the boat. I figured about $350-$400 just in gas and tolls and eating on the road total. Then the rest on doing stuff in Alabama.

2. Staying local at home.
Taking 3-4 days going to Idlewild Park and the Pittsburgh Zoo. It's about 6 hours of driving total and I could get a 2 night Idlewild package complete with 4 tickets for $330. We would just have to buy all the lunches and dinners. Here's what I was thinking; leaving monday, chillin at the hotel that evening, tuesday go to Idlewild, back to the hotel, wednesday driving to the zoo, then wednesday night heading back home or catching a hotel with pool just for some more added fun.

And to top things off I really haven't discussed option two with the hubby yet. I am waiting for a good time. And did Imention, that if we choose AL that we would be eating most lunches and some dinners in (saving money) and we may have already told them that we were coming.

And to counter that, our air conditioner in the Jeep is broken and what if we really can't get it working, I am traveling that far with no air in the car. Just not going to happen. I could maybe drive an hour or two but not 6-7 a day for 4 days and AL in late July is going to soooo hot anyways.

So I am really torn what to do, so please please leave comments and give me some advice. Thanks

Our New (ghetto) Pool

2009-05-25T19:34:00.004-04:00

Well, when I walked to the Dollar store I wasn't going to buy a pool but..... the kids were complaining and then they saw this.... the littlest pool ever made.

So small all three kids can't even fit into it, but hey, for $7 it's does some kind of purpose.

And yes, they did fight over it the whole time.

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!!

And the Winner Is............................

2009-05-20T13:34:00.002-04:00

Chase!!!! Yeah, my last born finally won something.

I firmly believe that my two boys, Landon who is 3 1/2 and Chase who is 11 months younger (2 1/2) are in a fierce competition this year to see who can get sick/hurt more and who can freak mommy out more. I am have been to the ER sooooo much and that's not a joke. My friends and family ask if we have a room for us or if we get some kinda frequent flyer miles. It really is that bad.

So yesterday about 1130am Chase took a pretty bad spill on the driveway. I came home from work at noon and checked him out. His chin is messed up, his nose was bleeding, then I asked him to stick his tongue out......OMG....... it was prolly the grossest thing I have seen in awhile.

I freaked, called the docs office, of course they were closed for lunch so I call the after hours number. They asked me a bunch of questions and made me check his teeth and they had me look at his tongue over and over. Not cool, really not cool. So in the end we decided not to do anything about it, just let him be, give him soft food, no salt, no citrus and rinse his mouth after every meal.

Well....... I go back to work from 4-8 and I get home about 830pm and all the kids run up and of course I have to check out my boys tongue, so he sticks it out and honest to God, I am pretty sure a little vomit came up in my mouth. it looked sooooo bad. I had Matt look at it and even two of the neighbors.

So I put the siren on top of the Jeep and took off for the ER, and basically tongues are really strong and they can withstand so much, so they just cleaned it and his chin and sent us on our merry way.

So Chase definitely wins this round - He was sooooo gross, oh yeah, here's a picture - don't worry, I won't slip you any tongue

Better then the last....

2009-05-19T09:36:00.006-04:00

So last post I went off a little, but hey, I needed to blow off some steam and since I only have 3 readers, it seemed like the perfect place.

Life's been good, a little slow, but good.

Matt and I are working on a thousand different projects and none of them seem to get done. I wish we could just complete one project start to finish. A girl can dream.....

Kids are great. Emma had her first Cheerleading parade this past Saturday and it was a wet one. The cheerleaders were the second to last in the parade, it was them then the book mobile - wow, yes, they actaully had a book mobile to close the parade, shocked?? ME TOO. So yeah, it started to rain like 20 minutes into the parade and when I say rain I mean like cats and dogs. The boys were soaked, I was soaked, my purse filled with candy was soaked and the chairs we were sitting in were soaked. But it was sooooo awesome when Emma walked passed me. I had another mommy moment at that point. I just cheered for her while my eyes stared at her. She looked so grown up, so on her own. She did not need her mommy at that moment. She was marching in a parade. I was so proud of her.

I am not going to tell you the story BEFORE the parade where she was bawling in front of all the other cheerleaders cause she was scared and didn't want mommy to leave her. I won't tell you how she just stood there crying while all the other girls were practicing.

But she was a big girl (as soon as the only other girl she knew showed up) and went and had a ton of fun in the parade.

Landon and Chase are good. We bought Landon his first big boy bike Saturday. Went to Wally World and got him an awesome 12" bike. He rode around the store a little bit. I wanted to make sure he could do it and the kid just took off.

I am going to have to start posting more pictures of the kids. Let me start that now....

Here we are eating some ice cream the other day... It was Yummy!!

This was at Emma's schools spring dance.. don't they look handsome

We took the boys mini golfing for the first time.. they had no idea what they were doing...

Emma looking so cute .....

I am really going to work on the posting picture thing.... well, gotta get back to work - lol

Do Not Read if Easliy Offended.....

2009-05-12T17:48:00.002-04:00

So where should I start, my mother or my mother in law. Both are complete bitches to me so I guess it really doesn't matter does it.

So the mother in law.....
She hates me. From day one she has hated me and I have a 3 page hand written letter from the MIL and FIL to prove it. So let's get to the nitty gritty. She had ANOTHER party on a holiday. For those of you who don't know, she likes to throw parties on holidays, not just regular parties but birthday parties. I won't even start on the Spongebob / Easter party. Well, maybe just a little. Do you know that I actually received an invitation to the party that had the words "Come celebrate the resurrection" and "don't forget to get your pirate booty" All in the same invitation!! What the fuck. Those two things should not go together. Easter is a holiday not for Spongebob pirate parties but to celebrate the resurrection of Jesus, that's it. It is a very religious holiday and that's that way it should be kept. In no way shape or form should the word "booty" appear any where near the word Jesus.

So she every year since Matt and I have been together we have had a party every Mother's Day, Fathers Day, Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas and I am damn sick of it. I can never celebrate with my family and I am pisses. I planned something fun my me and my kids this Mothers Day but of course had to change them because of my fucking MIL. She decided to have her other 4 children all baptized and 3 of them had there first communion, then some big stupid lunch serving hard liquor. And actually the liquor is the only thing that makes it bearable to get through. I am just pissed. I want to talk to her or send her an email letting her know exactly how I feel but I am chicken shit. I don't want to get her mad or anything, but I am sick of giving up my holidays for her. Oh and before I forget, the only time there is not a party is 4th of July, which my family always has a big party at my cousins house and every year I invite the MIL and family and guess what..... they never FUCKING SHOW!! WTF!!

I am so pissed how she controls our holidays and I always say that we aren't going but I always give in and go because I tell myself this is my husbands mother and we need to try and be nice and every time I just get more pissed and more pissed.

And if for some reason, if we tell her that we can't come because of something else, the bitch will change the time of the party to work around our schedule (and yes, I know that some of you will think that is a nice thing to do, but she is really doing it cause she is a bitch)

(gotta say something else, my husband has 5 siblings, an older brother and 4 younger siblings, 12, 10, 8 and 5, that's why we have so many fucking parties)

OK, well, I am about done with her, but I am going to write about my husbands grandparents for a second and I will try not to cuss with them because for the most part they are really nice people.

For the past 3 years, I have not received a card for my birthday from my husbands two grandmas. Last year, the MIL had a birthday party for me and the FIL cause our birthdays are within a week of each other and guess what????? The grandparents didn't even know it was my birthday cause the bitch of a MIL didn't tell them, but supposedly the party was for me and the FIL. So why weren't the grandparents told about my birthday???

And Matt and I have been together for 5 years, you would think the grandparents would know that I do have a birthday somewhere in the 365 days there are in a year, but here's the best part.... they have also not gotten my daughter a DAMN thing in 2 years!!!! On Sunday, one grandma did give her a belated birthday card with $15, so I guess that counts but what about the other birthdays and what about the other grandma??? HUH???? WTF?????? and here's the other best part...... since Landon and Chase were born they haven't gotten presents from the one grandma and a card and $15 from the other grandma and my husband gets cards from both grandparents every year!!!! Funny how they forget about me and my daughter (Emma is my baby girl from my previous marriage). I just find it so funny how it's not them they forget it's me and my daughter. I am more hurt then pissed. And I know when Emma is old enough to notice, it's going to be a really hard thing to explain to her.

And I am sick of my husband trying to make excuses for them. I am sick of it. he doesn't understand how much it hurts to have this happen by a family that really doesn't like you in the first place. It's just a slap in the face every birthday me and Emma have. I hate it. I wish I could have the balls to say something but I don't. I am a damn wimp. I have causing trouble and I know that if say something to the grandparents or the MIL, it's going to start drama and I just don't want to. I need to grow a pair!!

OK, now on to my lovely mother......
So let's get this part out in the open, she is a pill popping, pot smoking drug addict. She thinks the world is out to get her and she thinks that certain things are owed to her because she is on this earth. She thinks she can do and say whatever she wants and the world is to bow at her feet.

My son Landon turned 3 in November and she still calls him Logan. Chase turned 2 in November and she has seen him a hand ful of times. Both boys have major allergies and both have asthma. They are allergic to dogs and smoke, both of which are very heavy in my mothers home. I have told my mom many times they cannot go over to her house. So you would think that maybe she would come visit them...ummmmm. no. Her selfish ass would rather sit at home, smoke pot, pop pills and see my sisters kids. My sister goes to visit often and that's great, I am not saying anything about that. But how fucking hard is it to jump in your car, drive less then 2 miles to my house and see my kids???? HOW FUCKING HARD IS IT??? She is currently unemployed since the restaurant she works at burned down, so I know she doesn't have to work. It just really burns me. All she fucking cares about in this world is her damn self. I am sick of her always choosing my sister and her kids over mine. I am sorry if she made the decision to smoke in her home and have the damn nasty dog and cats and that's why my kids can't come over. I am sorry if I don't feel comfortable leaving my kids alone with her. I know how I grew up and there is no way in hell I would ever let her watch my kids, NEVER. God only knows what she is capable of.

And let me give you another example of why I don't go over there. Long story short, I thought something was wrong at her house, so I jump in the car and go over there and turns out, everything was fine. Oh, and it's like 730pm. So I just can't leave without staying for a few minutes. So my mom had a hard day doing drugs and popping pills, so she was already in bed, wow imagine that. Although she did get up say hi, then go make a sandwich, which she took back to bed. So I am sitting there with my sister and my mom's husband and he gets up grabs his bong, sits back on the couch and starts to toke up. I wish I could of recorded all the thoughts that were going through my head at this point. I just kept thinking that this could not be really happening and WOW I am really related to these fucking people who have no respect for others. I watched it for a few minutes then I got the hell outta there. I had to get home and wash all the nasty stench off me (yes, after being there for 20 minutes my clothes already smelled like the nastiness that is there home.

So on mothers day, I do call her, got the machine, left a message, called her cell, got voicemail, left a message. Then she had the nerve to tell my sister and my grandma that I didn't call and she was just so upset. FUCK YOU LADY!! Quit lying to people so they feel sorry for you. My grandma and aunt are on to her game. They know exactly what she's all about. I am just sick and tired of it.

Oh and with the birthday thing, my mother has not got my kids anything is years and she has not even given a card in years. And no one in my perfect family has gotten anything for my husband except for my grandma. And yes that pisses me off to no end. Apparently Matt means nothing to my immediate family either. I at least send a card to my siblings and there spouses. And if I have the money I buy something, that doesn't happen often but I try and yet my husband gets treated as if he doesn't belong - whatever peeps!!

I think I am going to stop writing now before I write things that I am going to regret. Because I keep writing I am getting more pissed off and more pissed off. I thought that venting would make me feel better but I can feel my heart racing and blood pressure rising.

I am glad that I got a lot of that off my chest. I know I am going to have a few nasty emails and comments about this and that's OK. These are my feelings and I entitled to them.

Gotta Stop Crying At Work

2009-05-06T12:04:00.002-04:00

I really have to stop reading the news while at work. But I can't stop.. I can't tear my eyes away from anything like this article. That's why I work here, thats why I do what I do.

http://www.ohio.com/news/break_news/44381537.html

I really don't have anything else to say, so now I have to go dry my eyes and try to help the other victims of domestic violence that I work with.

Landon Bit Chase

2009-05-04T10:19:00.002-04:00

So really, my 3 year old bit my 2 year old - in the back - through his shirt. When I asked the kids what happened they both said Chase fell, then I asked again and Landon said " I bit Chase" and I asked Chase what happened and he said "Landon bite me". So back to Landon, I asked him if that was true and he said "No, Chase fell in the playroom", so I said "but you just told me you bit Chase", then.... wait for it... he said "yeah but you would get mad, so I said Chase fell" Ummmm really. Landon just turned 3 in late November. How could a kid that little know that if he told mommy the truth I was going to get mad??? I am trying to understand this. I know why Chase lied. He lied because he does anything Landon does, thats how he rolls. So after sitting and thinking about how I am ever going to really find out what happened, a light bulb seriously went off over my head!! I decided to look at the shirt that I ripped off Chase. And guess what I found, teeth marks and a wet spot, hmmmm, that could only mean one thing. Landon BIT CHASE!!!

So yes I did punish him right away and now he has destroyed his room. I mean clothes, bedding, stuffed animals and whatever else he could throw is laying all over his floor along with his little table and chairs all turned on there side. Oh Boy!!! I have no idea what to do at this point.

So with Chase, I know from the time before when a little wonderful girl at church bit Chase in the face and broke skin (which I am still very upset about, but anyways....). I do know that anytimea human bite breaks skin you have to take them in to the docs for cleaning and antibiotics, especially if the bite is on the face or hands. Well, I might be a bad mom for not taking him last night, but I really didn't want to sit in the ER for ever and wait for someone to look at him, then write a prescription then send us on our way. And besides the bite was through a shirt. So I sprayed Bactin and put a Hot Wheels bandaid over it and I am going to keep an eye on it for a few days just to make sure it doesn't get infected.

As far as Landon goes, I think he will be grounded like forever!!

My Granparents

2009-04-08T12:43:00.002-04:00

These are two of the greatest people I know and I miss my granpa with all my heart.

The one on the left is their 50th wedding anniversary. My grandpa passed away about 7 years after this. He passed away on May 18, 2001. My grandma is still here and doing well.

I am not sure why I am posting these but I just really miss him today.

Landon's Turn Today.....

2009-04-02T17:10:00.003-04:00

The kids are driving me bonkers!! I love them to death but sometimes I could call Children Services my self and have them come get them. (note to readers.... I would never do that) But my middle little dude, Landon, decided to play with scissors. He didn't do any damage but he wouldn't give them up either, so as Mother-of-the-Year, guess what I say..... "Give me the scissors right now or I will cut your hand off so you can never touch them again." Seriously, did I just say that. i had to step back and think about that for a sec. It just kinda flew outta my mouth.

But see Landon is my "energetic" child. He is almost 3 1/2 and I can't begin to tell you all the things this kid has done. Let me just make a short list and you can be the judge.

When we were trying to potty train him about a year ago he decided he was going to play with the potty rather then pee in it. So he comes out of his room with the seat around his neck, kinda like a necklace. So I'm like "very funny Landon, now let's get it off" and guess what ... the damn things didn't wanna come off. When he put it on, it was smooth side down so it slid easy. So I now have his head covered with butter and veggie oil oh and let's not forget the spray Pam. Nothing. So I call the doctors office and they told me to take him to the ER. So I load Landon (naked, just diaper and shoes) and Chase who is a little over one years old at this point. And we drive to the ER. And believe me, he did not like the car ride - thinking about it, I just want to bust up laughing. We get to the ER and the nurse has her head down and she asks - what are you here....? She stopped because that's when she looked up and saw a potty seat around my kids head. I didn't even have to fill out paperwork or anything because everyone was too busy with their cameras and camera phones taking pics of the poor kid, even the docs got into it. They took us back to a room and right away we have a room full of doctors and nurses, not because he was hurt but because they all needed a good laugh. With the amount of people in that room you would of thought something was tragically wrong, but nope, just a toddler with his head in a potty. After all the laughter and pictures stopped, they poured some kinda lube on his head and a few doctors adjusted the potty seat and *poof* it was off. We were in and out of the ER in 40 minutes. Alot of the doctors and nurses thanked me for bringing him in. In that line of work they really don't get to laugh a whole lot at the patients.
Mr. Bubble.... So I am in the kitchen cleaning up and I hear someone vomiting over and over and over. So of course I run and of course I can't find the right room. I finally get to the bathroom and Landon is vomiting SO much and I see bubbles and I see a bottle of Mr. Bubble next to him. I pick it up and it's not 1/4 full (it was a brand new bottle, used once). As I am handing the bottle, he vomiting and crying and saying " more mommy, more, please". I didn't know if I should cry or laugh my ass off. It amazed me that he actually wanted more and asking for it while vomiting. And yes I did call poison control and don't worry, most bubble bath products are non toxic.
He has had 2 concussions
He has had 2 surgery's; one at 9 months old for his hypospadis (he had 2 pee pee holes) and he still does, cause he pooped a few hours after surgery and got his incision infected and it messed up his pee pee and didn't heal right. He had his adenoids out last July.
He was in the hospital for a week when he was 9 wks old with RSV.
After eating eggs for breakfast one day, we discovered he has a BAD egg allergy. So needless to say we spend much time at the Asthma / Allergy doc
He has asthma and breathing problems. he has a breathing machine and has to take daily does of certain things (although he has improved greatly since getting his adenoids taken out)
he has had bad road rash many times
he got stitches on his forehead 2 days after having his surgery in July

There is prolly a whole slew of other things that I am forgetting to mention. If I had his scrapbooks in front of me I could prolly tell you everything.

So as you can clearly tell I really have my hands full with this little guy. And his brother, Chase, who is only 11 months younger in right on his heels, learning everything he does. What am I going to do when they are older..... Lord help me now

One of my first big mommy moments...

2009-03-26T18:39:00.002-04:00

I had one of those on saturday March 21st at approx 330pm.

Yes, I know I am a mom but sometimes, I just don't feel it. I mean, I am so many things, I am Kelly, I am a wife, I am an ex wife, I am sister, a daughter, cousin, Aunt, friend, and sometimes a drunk - LOL. So there are times where I just think it can't all be real.

Anyways, back to my story. I took Emma Saturday to cheerleading tryouts. She will be in 2nd grade next year and this is the first year she can do cheerleading. We have been practing all week for this, even my hubby got in line (he is soooo a cheer dad). Well, we get to tryouts and walk up to the door. We are all standing outside because of course we are not allowed in the actual building during tryouts. I am looking around at all the moms and all the daughters and actually alot of dads too (Matt had to work or I know he would of been there for her). And there I am hair not done, have this sweat / track suit on, I do have a little make up on. And I started to feel a little embarrassed for my daughter. But that's not my mommy moment yet.

At precisly 330, a coach comes out and tells the girls to come in and grab a number and be seated. It was that moment I grew up. In that few seconds, I realized my baby daughter, my first born was actually leaving and going and doing something on her own with no help of mine. I actaully teared up thinking my poor baby has to go in front of judges and be judged.

Emma looked at me and smiled with her goofy smile and said "bye mom". I don't know why but it felt as if she was leaving me, like really leaving me. I felt so alone at that point. My baby is not a baby. She is becoming a beautiful person who is starting to think and do things for herself.

I really cannot pinpoint my excat feelings. I just felt sad. She is growing up and it just hit me as she was walking in the building all by herself to go tryout in front of judges for cheerleading.

I admit, I felt kinda stupid standing there with the other moms getting teary eyed. I just love my baby so much and I know she has to go be her own person. I mean thats what I have been trying to do since birth right? I have been trying to make her into an acceptable human being. I have been trying to get her to do things on her own.

I just realized I have been blabbing and blabbing and even writing all this I can feel my chest get tight and I am fighting back getting teary eyed.

We had to be back at 400pm to pick her up. if she made the team we had a mandatory meeting from 5-6pm. So after the parents were allowed back in, I quickly walked to the room where they were and she runs so fast yelling " I MADE TEAM, I REALLY DID". And at the moment I felt so proud of her, I felt like a finally got something right. I did it. My daughter made the cheerleading team because I really raised her right (so far - LOL). I was so happy for Emma, and she was just over the moom. She was running around with her friends and I was texting everyone I know. I didnt care if they wanted to know or not, I wanted everyone to know that my baby girl was the cheerleader.

Well, I had better get back to work. I have alot ofwork to do - NOT!! Actually I picked up an extra shift so I am working 4-midnight at one of our shelters - good times.

And My Decison Is.......

2009-03-07T15:19:00.003-05:00

So I didnt end up taking either position. I emailed her on Thursday and asked for a meeting on Friday. I wanted to give her my decision face to face so she could she that I still have all my passion for the job, but the jobs that were offered to me I couldnt accept due to babysitting issues and finances.

I met with her at 11am and it went really well I was able to turn down both jobs and explain why to her face. I think she was able to see my passion and my issues with taking the jobs.

But even walking in at 11am I was still not excatly sure what I was going to say or do.

But.... she said she was working on another option for me. She could not tell me much about it except that is was the 16 hr job and another job here in Akron and it was weekdays during the day. I pretty much told her I would take it. She explained that she needed till Wednesday to talk to some other people and put everything in place. She seemed pretty confident about the position happening and she said she would call me by Wednesday to either offer me the job or tell me she needed more time to get it together. But it looks like I might me heading back to work alot sooner then I expected.

All I can say is that I am very happy with how the meeting went and I am very excited to hear the options on Wednesday if she has everything ready.

I just want to get back to work. I want to help the women and the children. I want to make a difference. Thats all I want to do. This is absolutley the hardest job (besides being a mom and wife) that I have ever had. It takes the most compassion and emotions then I know what to do with at times. And I am now starting to get the hang of it. When I fisrt started I was putting too much of my personal life into the job, putting myself in the situations, thinking, what if this was me and my kids. What is someone did this to me and my babies. I am learning how to seperate that and focus on the client. I am learning how to come home and really truly appreciate everything I have. I am learning to leave my work at work. Leave my emotions at work and pick them up the next day. Remind you, I said I am learning, I have not mastered that but I am surley learning.

I just want to go back :(

Big things are coming.....

2009-03-04T21:42:00.002-05:00

So here is my big dilema, I got a call yesterday from one of my bosses asking me to come the shelter staff meeting next Monday, so I could stay on top of things. I was over the moom thay they called and want me to come, that means I am still an employee and I am on there minds. Well today I get a call from the same boss offering me two positions, so here they are, then I am going to list all my concerns about all the options, so you better have your reading glasses on and a cup of coffee (or any preferred drink) cause this is going to get complicated.

Hours are as follows: Monday and Tueday 8 hrs each day ( I can work out the actual hours worked) and this is at one of the Akron shelters, which is like 2 miles from my house and the same shelter I have worked at before
Then....
Friday, Saturday and Sunday 4pm till Midnight at the Medina shelter, which is a good half hour away

so that would equal 40 hours, soooo.....

I dont know if I am ready to give up my weekends. I would be able to do nothing and lets not forget the drive and he gas money (my car gets about 14miles per gallon)

If I just take the 16 hour a week a job that is not enough to pay bills and I would lose my unemployment.

If I dont take any of them, I think that would look really bad and they might think that I am not serious about coming back.

And let me clarify, boss lady said she was "offering" me both, or either of the poistions.

Or, I could counter offer with this, I could offer to volunteer Tues, Weds and Thurs for about 4 hours a day doing the work of the 16 hr a week job and I could still collect my full unemplyment until mid july. That way I am still "working" and I am availabe for any full time position that comes up in the Akron area.

Or if I take the 16 a week job there is always the possibilty of picking up shifts, you know when people call off or vacation or such, after looking at the budgets and bills, we could pull this off with me only working 24 a week, but those sub shifts are not guaranteed

I just have a really bog decision to make and my mind is spinning. I really want to go back but I really dont want to work so far away and lose every weekend, if it was 8am to 4pm, sure I would take it, but it's not. I would have to leave me house by 315-330 to make it to work by 4, then I wouldnt get home until 1230 at the earliest and have to get up with the kids in the morning. Then on Sundays work 3-midnight and prolly be in to the other shelter around 9am

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

I am going to have to write this all down on a piece of paper and get all my thoughts organized and really think about this decision.

I really really really want to work there. I absolutley love it, so leaving is not an option, but if I dont take either of the jobs, then who knows what else I would get offered. And what if they get offened about the volunteerring to do the job.

But as a wife and mother, I do have to think about the financial well being of my family. I do have to put our needs first rather then mine. I have to make sure I make enough money to put food on the table and gas in the car and pay the bills we have to pay,

Sure Matt makes decent money but the reality is, it's not enough, I do have to work, I do have to pay some of the bills. I need to bring in $950 a month, thats what I need to contribute and by taking the 16 hour a week job that leaves me almost $350 short of that goal. With the 16hr job, I need to bring in about $100 more a week then what I would get paid.

I just dont know what to do. I am sooooo confused!!

Oh and this $950 does not include the babysitter, thats just what we need right now while I am not working when I start full time then we need to add $480 on to that. But I am not thinking clearly right now and things are getting so jumbled.

I just need to start a spreadsheet of all the options and sit down with Matt and figure out the best road to go...

And did I mention I had until Friday, Monday at the very latest- Ughhhh -Lord Help Me!!

All I've done is sit.......

2009-02-22T10:37:00.002-05:00

So I got laid off Wednesday and all I have done is veg. I have been so down and depressed. I just want my job back. I want to go to work and see the residents and the kids. I want to get up every five seconds and answer the door and let smokers in. I want to go in and listen to the womens stories and how they got there.
For thos of you who might not know, but I used to work at the Battered Womens Shelter of Summit and Medina counties and I was the youth advocate. I was one of 4 people let go on Wednesday due to funding.
Everything just seems sorta weird, like this cannot be happening I have finally found something that I love to do and I can't even do it. I feel as if God put me there for a reason and now I can't be there, but I know it was his plan to remove me from there too, so I will have to wait and see what happens.
I have actualy been very productive since I have been laid off. I have already done the unemployment and I am ready to go and since I dont have to pay a babysitter anymore and with the amount they are paying me, I am actually banking about $200 more a month, so I guess that works out for me. I have finished Emma's scrapbook for Kindergarten and I am ready to finish up Landon and Chase this week but I have all the pics and everything is organized. I have cleaned out drawers and baskets everywhere. I haven't done a lot of big cleaning but I have been doing the nooks and crannies right now. I figure I have plenty of time to get the big stuff done.
I got Emma all signed up for Cheerleading. She has cheer clinic Feb 21 through March 14, but only on saturdays. Then March 16 through 19 she has pracitce from 530 to 730 and March 20 is from 500 to 600 and tryouts are Saturday March 21. She also has to have white shirt, black shorts and clean white tennis shoes. Now do you think I had any of that, nope, so I have already run to Target and got the shoes and the shirt.
Chnage the subject.... A big part of my problem is that I am not a stay at home mom. I get angry and frustrated too easy with the kids. I love them, but I funtion muchc better when I go to work then come home. I am scared. I dont know what I am going to do every single day. Actaually the only days I am concerned about are Monday, Thursday, Friday and Sunday. Matt is off work all the other days. I have looked in Story Times at my local libraries and they are all in the evening or during naptime. And the mommy group at church in on a Monday night and doesnt start until March 9th. Well, I might want to clarify my hubbys schedule: Monday 10am to 930pm, Thursday 830 am - 930pm, Friday noon to 930pm and Sunday 830am - 500pm, so as you can clearly see Monday and Thursday are my very long days. I need to have a plan. I need to plan activities and outings everyweek. Like right now the kids are fighting again, screaming and crying and I cant handle it. I am fighting back tears trying to figure out how to make it all stop. But thats all the boys do fight and sream and cry, thats it. I swear. I spend so much of my day yelling at them, it's just so not worth it. I stay home just to yell and put them in time out every five seconds. And maybe I'm not such a good mom but I dont know what else to do and I am at the end of my rope. I have no one to help, my mother in law is quite the bitch and all my other friends and family have things going on, I dont have enough m0ney to put them in day care or anything, even just part time. I need to have my job back. I hate just rambling but I feel to trapped. I am not an winter person, so we dont go out and play. We do runerrnads like crazy but I cant do that every day of my life, theres only so many errands you can run. And like today I actauuly have to go to the grocery store but the roads are crap and its really cold, I dont want to make the kids go out in this just because I need to get out of the house. I know some of the moms that read this are not going to be able to relate and thats fine and some of you are. I know that what I need to do is a major attitude change. My mind set is already set of for faliure. It's just with losing my job and the MRI and bickering with the hubby the last few days, I just feel so alone. I know my friends have there own problems but damn no one can come visit or whatever I always drop whatever I'm doing for anybody else, but when something happenes to me all I get is "I'm sorry to hear about your job" and a few phone calls. Dont people know when it's apporiate to make a visit to your friends house. When you call and shes crying yet again or you can hear the frustraion in her voice. I just feel sooo alone. Every one is so involved with them selves. I had better stop typing, the boys are actually watching TV quietly so I am taking this opportunity to go and sit with them on the couch.

Loserville.... Party on One

2009-02-18T21:19:00.001-05:00

I lost my job today, I am not ready to talk about it but when I do I am sure I will blog alot about it, basically lost it due to funding and my grant being lost.

Not much to say

2009-02-17T13:15:00.002-05:00

So I am having a problem of finding things to blog about. I dont have awhole lot going on right now. We finally got a "new" car. It's a 99 Cherokee and it's not that bad. My hubby has a few things to fix on it and we have to get it painted ASAP. The hood and fenders are black and I do not want to continue to drive around like that. Then the heater, it only blows on high which is really annoying and loud, then the rear shocks, which again is a small problem but it sounds like it's going to fall apart, but hubby assured me it wasn't. Then the big thing to me is something called a steering stablizer. Right now when you turn the steering wheel an awful sound clicks and the steering wheel has trouble turning. Hubby bought that part last night and is waiting for the weather to not be so freezing, then he can replace that. He actually bought all the parts but only the steering thing was in stock, man I love the fact that he works at a place where he can get parts soooo cheap and pretty qucik. All the parts came to $100 and some change. So after he fixes the three little problems and it gets painted it will be a pretty nice car for me.

My friend Tara called me today and told me they are sending home the cheerleading sign up papers today for Emma. I am soooo excited. Last year they had 4 sign ups and we missed the first one, so we went to go to the second one and the last three where cancelled because they had to many girls sign up at the first one. This time I am going to show up a half hour early and wait there. I WILL get her signed up this year. I can't have her disappointed two years in a row. Oh, and for those of you that dont know, Tara is a teacher in the public school system where my daughter attends. She gives me the scoop and all the help I need with Emma. And she is a big help to me always.

And with Landon and the whole still peeing the bed thing, my monster in law told me that she heard that giving them a teaspoon on honey before bed will stop the bed wetting, so guess what, I went out today and bought some honey. I am going to try it tonight and see if it works. I usually don't take any advice from her but at this point I am willing to try anything.

Well, I had better get back to work. Gotta a busy day and lots of kids and women need my help :)

It's MRI Result Time....

2009-02-13T10:57:00.000-05:00

So, I have now had a headache for 18 straight days. I went to the doc on day 11 and he scheduled me for an MRI on day 14. I got the results yesterday and I have a small bleed up in my head, but that will go away on it's own. Doc said to keep taking ibuprofen cause that helps the swelling in my brain, which in turn helps the bleeding, which helps the pain, BUT.... it is sooooo hard on my tummy. And the doc also put me blood pressure medication that I will prolly have to take like 4ever now, but if it helps with my head then thats fine.

I know it's been a very long time since my last blog, but seriously, not a whole lot is happening. My stepdad is recovering at home and I am pretty sure he is doing well.

Lets start with the kidsEmma - she is doing really well, I got her report card and she is doing so good, I Am soooo proud of her.

Landon: that litlle spit fire, he drives me nuts daily. Most days I feel like I cant control him. He just kinda does what he wants when he wants. I am trying to figure him out, but who knows with 3 year olds. And we are having a potty training issue. He is fully trained during the day, he is awesome, but the night is another story. He pees the bed every night. We cut him off like 630 - 700pm and they go to bed at 915pm, and typically they dont go to sleep until 1030 or so. And after we put them in bed he will usually come out once and pee in the potty and we make him go before we even put him to bed. SO WHY IS HE PEEING HIS BED??????????? I need some suggestions, so please comment or email me.

And Baby Chase: He is turing into his brother, he is starting to get a mouth and an attitude and all he wants to do is to fight with his brother. These two children fight and scream almost all day. But Chase is still a little cuddler and so loving.

So I guess that pretty much brings everyone up to date. We really havent been doing awhole lot because of the darn snow. Did I mention I hate snow!!!! I am so glad it's all melting and all the snow is gone for right now. Well, I guess I should get back to work :)

I feel so bad......

2009-02-02T18:37:00.003-05:00

So I have not been a nice person lately. I have been snapping at my sister, my friends, my husband and my children. I NEED A BREAK!!! but on the other hand I want to do fun stuff with my hubby and children but leave whenever I want to. I think this is normal but who knows.

My best friends mom died today a little before 330pm. I feel terrible for her and I am finding my self getting really upset and crying over this. I have only met her mom a handful a times but I cant understand why I am so upset. I think I am upset for my friend who just lost her mother to cancer. Then it gets me thinking about my own mother and well you know the rest. And to top it off I dont know what I can do for her. I want to be there and help out and do whatever I can but I dont know what that is. I wish I could just do more, be a better friend.

So I am not sure why this blog is so blah, my myspace one is so much better. Maybe I need to change when I am blogging or something. If you want check out www.myspace.com/wolfe528 You wont be disappointed

Might as well blog....

2009-01-26T17:32:00.002-05:00

So I don't blog alot, I have to change that. It feels like I am sooo busy all the time. Although I really don't know with what. I am always cleaning something, organizing something, watching some kinda recorded show. And I always have a list of things to do. No matter what day what time, I can always produce some sorta to do list. And that sucks. I never feel like a normal person who can just enjoy life and let things be. I just want to go along with things and be happy with my house and life, just for a moment. I always have to be doing something and if I'm not doing something, I am running around going to Walmart, visiting my grandma, just mindless errands that really don't need done. I would rather take my children out in the freezing cold then sit home and relax. I bring so much pressure and stress on my self. I need to quit, but how do you quit something you are so addicted to. How can I make myself learn to relax and calm down. Yes, I know I can pop happy pills which I have and they have such weird and sometimes horrible (like hair falling out), and the fact that I have to remember to take them every day, haha that's how I got Landon, taking birth control everyday was such a pain, so we all know I am not very responsible.

Wow, I just rambled about nothing and more nothing. Why because I have nothing todo so I have to make up stuff to do, I am such a nut case.

I am soooo done...

2009-01-08T13:01:00.002-05:00

I have been so stresses out lately. I almost cannot take it anymore. 2009 has been the worst year so far and it's only the 8th of Jan. It just feels like everything is falling apart and I am just sitting here watching it happen. I am watching friends and family go through awful things, my step dad is in the ICU and god only knows what's going to happen, my car keeps breaking, but that's a whole different story since we are borrowing the car from friends, Matt failed the Akron PD test twice and he's all pissy. I just need everything to stop and be ok for awhile. All I do is cry. I cry day and night. I am tearing up right now cause I cannot handle the stress. I need a break from this life. I mean at least if my car is going to break, I should have money to fix it - now I need to find 77.87 for the damn part. Well, my boss is back, i gotta vent later

So it's been over a year...

2009-01-05T16:49:00.003-05:00

I have decided to start blogging on this website and myspace. If I write one here I will copy it over to myspace and vice versa. As soon as I get home from work I am going to try and add some more pictures to this one and make it look all cool like my sisters - Love Ya Amy!!